Tuesday, September 16, 2008

What is going on out there?

So many things happening, financial markets collasping, Hurricane Ike and the like sweeping through, gas prices continue to climb and in the midst of all this....my mind weaves one word after another through my soul's intermost thoughts.

How can there be so much catastrophy yet so little impact on me right now? Why is my mind screaming with so many other things that no one else is noticing? Why don't I care that anyone notices? Why am I glad that others' are not affected?

This battle is not for anyone else, I tell myself....it is the journey I must walk alone. Not because I'm alone because I know there are so many holding me up but because the actual walk is mine alone. God and me. me and God. How wonderful that sounds but today, the sound is not so sweet because it is a difficult journey. It comes with alot of pain. It comes with sleeplessness, restlessness, pain and suffering. I do not despair. I do not feel sorry for myself. I just wonder how I can make this all go away? Is there something magical I say? A special prayer I pray? Didn't I ask for this when I prayed that I wanted purpose in my life? I prayed, "Lord, let me know without a doubt the direction I am to take." I think it is pretty obvious the route I am to take now.

My trust is ALL in GOD! I know the Power to make it through is all in HIM. However, I have to put each step behind HIS and follow.

The other day I mentally had to get myself out of the darkest woods. I was physically in a very bad place and mentally I was following....I visually took myself to a very dark forest. Most hunters, Girl Scouts, etc. can attest to a very dark, scary night when you realized there is only one person who has a lantern to see your way around. You very quickly realize that you must trust that person. If there is more than just you to follow, you must also listen and lean on the next person to get where you want to go.

I mentally put myself right on the leader (my case, it was Jesus) and closed my eyes because I knew all I could see on both sides was darkness. Many times, listening to someone who can direct you because they know where they are going is better than trying to look and figure it out for yourself. Yet, most time...we'll still try to do it ourselves.....

So, this is what I did....I mentally shut my eyes, put my hand on the leader because I knew he was leading with the only light out of the situation. I heard the crunch, crunch, crunch of the boots as He waded out of the woods and with each crunch, crunch, I put my foot where I heard HIS last footstep and kept following. The process of walking through the woods was several hours but in my mind, it didn't seem that long because I knew I was depending on the ScoutMaster who knew the woods inside and out...had been there before and really didn't need the light to lead but it was more to make me trust that HE knew what HE was doing. It was a Promise that he was going to protect me. I just had to believe, listen and follow.

We, as people or Christians find it very hard to follow. I know I find it hard many times because we think we have it figured out and leaning on someone else is going to take more time.

I've often thought of the person who is in the foxhole in the middle of a war all alone? Where is all that bravery? Where is all that strength when you can smell the breath of your enemy? As for me and my house, I want to serve the Lord and for him to be the Master and Leader of our Home. It is knowing the Master is in control is the reason that everything can be going wrong around us but we know who is holding the light leading us out and is going to take care of us.

So, what is going on out there? Nothing, nothing at all that God isn't already in control of. Praise him for your direction because this too shall pass and he will guide you! Just learn to listen...

I also want to thank those who still send cards, gifts, dinners.....I say it all the time but you can't even imagine how much it is appreciated....especially on days like today when it could have been easy to give up. Victory!!

Love to all,


MOTHER said...

Good morning my dear…
I agree … the last 9 weeks has been a trial of your faith. But through it all you continue to stand strong and trust in God.
You continue to find the sunshine in the shadows. With tears in your eyes you still smile.
The cumulative effects of the chemo with each treatment gets a little worse each time.
Over the last few days I have tried to use all of the tricks from my “ mommy bag” that a mother uses to help her children. Nothing seems to really help for any period of time.
The massages to help you sleep, heating up the aromatherapy pad over and over again to help relieve some of the pain, the peppermint tea, and the medicine that you take, is just a few things among many that we have tried. Mommies are supposed to fix everything and kiss all of the hurts away,but I know that this boo-boo is bigger than me, therefore I struggle with a helpless feeling. But I realize that I can only go so far in the natural, and the rest has to be up to the Lord.
After reading your blog this morning I thought of this promise verse.

“ Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he,I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and will carry you; I will sustain you and will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4

In one short sentence God promises that he will rescue, carry and sustain you. His promises are signed, sealed and delivered on the basis of who he is. And He is faithful. He is loving. He rescues you and carries you. It’s a promise.
When weariness or anxiety threatens to overtake you , place yourself in the crook of the arm of Jesus,. And remember what you said in one of your blogs….. closing my eyes and saying, "Lord, just tell me when to open up my eyes because I know wherever you put me is going to be so much better than where I was"...........
I know we can only take it one day at a time, and sometimes just one minute at a time. We don’t know what the future holds, but we know who holds our future. So for today we must trust in his promises and not look to the future.
My dear child I pray that today will be a better day.
Mother xoxoxoxo
At 3:30 am I woke up singing this song.
........ONE DAY AT A TIME .........
I’m only human, I’m just a women.
Help me believe in what I could be
And all that I am.
Show me the stairway, I have to climb.
Lord for my sake, teach me to take
One day at a time.
One day at a time sweet Jesus
That’s all I’m asking from you.
Just give me the strength
To do everyday what I have to do.
Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today, show me the way
One day at a time.

To our family and friends…………………………….
I have such gratitude for the many touches of love that you have bestowed upon the family. We will forever be indebted to you for the kindness that you have shown.
My life will be forever changed by this journey. I want to repay the debt of kindness forward.
There are so many hurting people in this world.
I want to be a lifter up of someone's head to show them that they can make it too.
....... Psalms 3:3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
Thank you so much for your prayers.
We love you all..

rwaters said...

I wish somehow I could wave a magic wand and this would all go away. But, I can't...however, I do know the One who will carry and see you through this rough journey. Lean on Him. Continue following His lead and you will be victorious. This bump in lifes road shall pass. Unfortunately, our time isn't His time but He has it all in control. I hope today is a better day and tomorrow is even better. We love you and are constantly holding you up before the throne of God.
With all our love,
Charlie, Becky and Jacob.

Anonymous said...

Aww Leah...yet another wonderful 'speech'. You are truly the uplifter. I just HATE that you are going through this and cannot imagine it I am sure. God is definately holding you in his arms...:O) Isnt that a wonderful feeling. Love you MORE, Mean it...Cassie

Anonymous said...

Dearest Leah,

I heard you had a few difficult days since your last treatment. After reading your blogs, I realize what a great saint of GOD you are. There are no words that can really capture what and how you are really feeling. All of the Saints are praying for you daily and I know heaven is being flooding with prayers on your behalf. We serve an amazing GOD and I know you know that...As you go back and forth through the "dark forest" remember the songs of praise. For we know victory is in the praise. I'm not just believing God for your victory... I believe God for your Victory!!! take care and call me if you need anything.'

Love and prayers
Grace Perry

#1Fan said...

Leah, I am so sorry you are feeling so terrible from this stuff. My family member too went thru it and I remember all too well her pain. Today, she sings praises to the Lord. I can hear your song already, as beautiful and as uplifting as the words you write. Praying for you right now!

Donna said...

I am so thankful the the promises that God bestows upon us as His children. It is indeed a privilege to walk with him & to know "Thus saith the Lord, I will be with you alway."
We continue to pray for the strength that you need in this trying time. Thank God that He does give us grace each day to be able to make it.
God bless you & keep you.

Donna New