Okay....let's be frank....

My mom hates when she calls and asks how I am and I say, "I'm fine". She says, "no you are not, why do you always say that?".

The truth is....I'm not fine. Nothing in my world is the same. Everyday I'm in pain. Even on my best days I have pain. It never goes away. There is no way to explain it. As mom stated in an earlier blog, "it is an outta body experience". Unless you go through it, you just can't explain it.

However, there are two answers to how you are doing. You have a physical and mental response. On my roughest days, I wonder to myself how much easier dying has to be and then I quickly remind myself that if it were my time to go, God would have taken me. I mentally work myself through these feelings because I know....going now is not an option. I don't fear it but I'm not ready to go. I have jalot of things left to do so.....for me....this never consumes me....it is a quick response to sudden pain. It is the cheap and easy way out. I have too much invested to think this way. Too much time. left to live....

I choose to mentally be fine. No matter what happens in my day, no matter the pain....I am fine. I will be fine. I will do whatever I have to do to get through this. I have too many people pushing and pulling me along. I have the Lord on my side. What do I fear?

If you ask me if I'm fine based on my physical condition. I'm not fine. My body will never be the same, as told by the Doctors. The Great Physician has not declared it any other way yet and HE is the last say so....so I don't know if I'll always feel this way. I don't think so....

My life used to start in the morning on the interstate fighting traffic for 20 years to go to the same job. My work was stressful but fulfilling and my day usually consisted of meetings, meetings and meetings. Typically the break in our day was lunch and there was always someone ready to go and take a break. After work, as everyone else would do, I would come home to share the remainder of my day with my family.

Now life is sitting at home. The medicine makes it hard to focus. I did read a couple of books this week, which I've not been able to do. This life is not fine. I do not care for it one minute. Everyone says, "sleep, take care of your body, etc. etc."......it is very hard to do. My mind wants to go but my body stays.

I choose to find something good in each day. No matter what my day brings, I'm just thankful that God gives us another one to share. I can be sad tomorrow but today I'm going to live. :-)

I talk to so many who lives seem to be in such turmoil. I say choose to live happy. As the saying goes something like this....The happiest people don't have everything, they just make the best of what they do have. I know how hard it is to find something but believe me, our blessings far outshine our disappointments. If your disappointments outshine your blessings, you are hanging onto things you shouldn't be. Change it, choose to live...happy for goodness sake!!

I don't know where cancer came from and believe me, I will be so happy when it is gone but I choose to be fine. I choose to live life. I choose to find something to smile about. Physically right now, my pain is probably at least a 5 on a scale of 1-10 and that is with pain meds. but mentally my spirit is a 10 on a scale of 1-10.....and frankly that is the way I like it. :-)

My spirit is attributed to the awesome prayers, care, thoughts, love, food, etc. that you all give! You can't even imagine how much it means. I pray that the Lord pours such blessings on your families.

To God be the Glory Always!
Love,
Leah