Who would have thought Skippy, the house dog and I would have the same life?

I realized this morning as Steve left for work that I was living the life of a house dog. Not trying to be funny but really....

As soon as our bedroom door opened, our beloved dog Dekota immediately tries to get in to see me. He doesn't care what time it is, he just wants to be seen and petted. He jumps up on the sideboard of the bed, peers over the mattress hoping to be seen by me and as soon as he knows I see him, gets excited and begins wagging his tail. People scurrying around the house is the highlight of his day.

The remainder of his day consists of finding the most comfortable spot in the house and laying around. He only gets up to eat, go the bathroom or to alert us that someone is in the area of the house. Otherwise, he lays around.

He is dependent upon us to make sure he gets to the bathroom and has something to eat. Such is my existence. I am able to lay around, someone will usually ask if I need my blanket re-arranged or something to eat and the only energy I use is to get to the bathroom.

The highlight of my day is when my family gets home. It is probably the time of the day they dread most. They come home from exciting things happening, exciting things still to do and they come in.....there I lay in pain. My mind used to fill with so many possibilities, to-do lists, future events, etc. Now I just accept that I physically can't do any of them and there with the dog I lay. He follows me around from couch to chair, etc. He and I are on the same narrow path of existence. I guess God made their minds to accept that existence because my dogs seem to be happiest when they are laying around. I suppose if we allow ourselves, we can become very narrow in our thoughts, just like a dog.

I still dream of the day of when this is all over. I am still thinking of future events that I want to do with the family. My body is down but my mind can't help but wonder.....what about this? what about that?

Honestly, I would like to ask the doctor if half-way with chemo is sufficient. I really believe the Lord has taken care of me. I know my family wants me to continue but for me, I feel it is a waste of time.

My days are often filled with tears of frustration from the pain and not being able to do anything. However, I know the doctors have told me that I only have a 50-60% survival rate without doing anything at all but with chemo, they thought they could raise it 20-25% more. However, they did admit that they really didn't have any data on my case. I don't fit into any of the clinical trial buckets. I'm under 50, never had problems with my colon, no family history, no high risk effects, no drinking or smoking, etc. However, my cancer was very aggressive. As they stated before, by Christmas I would have been dead. It is very hard for me to comprehend that information. It sounds surreal......that it makes it hard to believe.

I just wonder how much 1/2 way with chemo raises my survival rate, clinically vs. going all the way? I just feel like the Lord has already taken care of me so I'm not afraid to quit the madness. I will admit that I hate the chemo. The nurse told me this time that it was going to get much worse from here on out and it did. One of the chemos I take is very toxic and the side effects atrocious. They start worrying about my breathing, etc. So, I know that I've not totally faced the giant of chemo yet.......However, I still think the Lord has taken care of it all and I wonder if I really need all this? It is not by fear that I question....it is truly by my faith!!!

So many questions dealing with this....I just don't know what to do??? I'm just thankful that I have the Lord to turn to in time of question. I wonder what others do or who they turn to?

Thank you all for the blog comments, etc. This time was a very bad treatment and I would keep my computer logged in just to see comments for encouragement. I think you all for your prayers. I'm still not totally up and ready to go but not so down that I don't even want to talk or be touched. My spine epidural didn't help the pain so please keep praying that this unbelievable pain eases up.

As always, thanks for listening and your prayers. It is what keeps me going!
Love to all,
Leah