Saturday, August 30, 2008

Time does not fly (be forewarned, this is not a happy blog today)

First of all, I want to tell about all the wonderful things that have happened since I've last blogged.

We've had wonderful families from the church bringing us dinner. It has been such a blessing to my family. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your selflessness.

Secondly, Friday after going back to Emory to have my infusion pump removed (they made me stay until every drip was gone....not that 50+ hours wasn't already enough), I had visitors from work visit as soon as I got home. I was so sad and happy at the same time. They brought some normalcy into my day. I was so excited to see them and visit that I didn't even realize how bad I felt until after they left.

They came on behalf of my local Atlanta office bearing gifts of paper goods (plates, cups, napkins, plastic dinnerware, etc.), flowers, drinks, a card that represented funds that were donated in my honor to the American Cancer Society and then left me with a gift of American Express Cards! I was so overwhelmed after they left after reading the cards and the awesome words of encouragement! Again, words are inadequate to express gratitude to any and all who have been there for us in prayer, concern and helping to meet our practical needs. No words....tears....is about all I can muster. Thank you everyone.....never expected a thing but everyone has given so much from their hearts! "-)

Even after all the wonderful things that have occurred....last night after everyone left, I lay on the couch feeling so bad physically that all the thoughts about this journey came flooding in.....

I debated whether to share my thoughts but realized that no journey is perfect and how does anyone relate without knowing the obstacles you go through and over to get to where you utlimately have to be.

Today, the hours have just eekkked by....normally I would be running around buying all the things we would need for our Labor Day Family Party. We always have a party or something going on around here....and what am I doing? Sitting in a granny grump chair in the corner watching the minutes, tick, tock, tick tock......this all starts my human thoughts which try to undermine all the promises of God, words of encouragement, etc.

What about the lesions on my kidneys and lungs? What about the 2 nodules of tissue they found in my breast that I have to have checked? Why is everyone coming and going and I'm still sitting? Why can't I muster up the strength to go and do something? My dog, Dakota starts throwing up and becomes lethargic and sick so Steve has to take him to the vet....I was so upset last night that he was sick that I started praying for him. Oh, Lord do not let something happen to my dog...he comforts me in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. All these crazy thoughts....this is only 1 treatment down and I'm eeeekkkking away in the corner doing nothing.

What good am I sitting in the corner? I get up and walk around the room several times (my marathon) and the thoughts are just running through my brain.....I'm ready to go Lord so if this is going to be the way I live the rest of my life....do I really want to live this way? What can I do like this? I'm still not asking why? Why would I think anyone else should have this journey? I'm just trying to figure out what I can do for anyone else if all I can do is sit here helplessly? I've never sat at home....I don't know how to do it....and frankly, I don't really want to.

So, after all the thougths run through my head today, I am reminded through cards that have just arrived through the mail how God's hand is unchanging, people are with me in prayer and concern, and that God is going to take care of me with rainbows after this storm. I guess I'm feeling very human today.

It is beautiful, warm and sunny and I'm sitting in flannel pjs in the house energyless.....I just want normal....

I can understand how they say your mind can be a prison. My brain has never been confined, it is always on the next thought even before I get out the last thought....I pray for those who are confined in their minds and spirits, as it must be hell on earth to be so bound.

Tomorrow will be a better day I know...today, I'm feeling low because it is a beautiful long weekend and I'm trapped....but God has blessed me with so much that I feel guilty for even thinking this way.

So, I will leave for now and not give another minute to endless worry which will not get me anywhere and dwell on the awesome wonders of what I do have vs. what I can't do.....

Thank you again to all who care enough to make comments, write a card, say a prayer or just be concerned....it really does help keep me motivated and focused on the journey....I have just lost the meaning of the journey today....
Love to all,
Leah

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say how much I Love You and think and pray for you constantly. Vickie

Anonymous said...

Leah,

This too shall pass!! I love you with all my heart and I am praying
right now that your evening and tommorrow will be much better. I keep you in my prayers and I know its not going to be easy for you during this process but you just keep pushing forward through the storm and we all will be praying for comfort and protection all around you.

Love ya SIS!!
Angie

Anonymous said...

Hi Leah. I am Christie Stewart, Joanie has told you about me and my past struggle with colon cancer. I just wanted you to know I am constantly praying for you and I feel every pain you are going thru. I too sat at home alone, took chemo 3 out of 4 weeks and constantly wondered WHY God would do this to anyone. There is no understanding to the reason, only know-You will prevail! Have courage daily and stay strong. I have been reading your blogs and know you are surrounded by many loving family members and friends. Let people take care of you and do not feel like you owe any one anything. Everyone loves you! I wish I could help you-if I can in any way please let me know. If there is anythig you would like to talk about-I am here to talk to you. My struggle lasted for over a year, but now I am cancer and colon free. I never thought my life would be the same. I never knew you could live without a colon-little did I know the things surgeons can do theses days. But I finally gave up on asking God why he did this to me because He didn't give me cancer. It really did change my life in so many ways. You may know from Joanie-but I now have a beautiful 3 month old baby boy. I was told I would not be able to have any more children.
I feel your pain and know what your experiencing, as I said, if I can help in any way I am here for you although I do not know you. Take care sweetie. Love, Christie Stewart

mother said...

My dear daughter,
I guess I shouldn't be reading your blog at 11;40 at night.
You have tried to be so brave and smile through all your pain.
I wish I could kiss all your troubles away just like I did when you were a little girl.
I wish I could give you rainbows to promise you that you will never hurt again---- but all of those things are out of my control.
I will promise to be there with you all the way and pray, pray pray.
I will pray tonight that God will rain peace and comfort on your heart.
love you with all my heart.
Mother

#1Fan said...

Hi Leah. Tammy Taylor was kind enough to share you and your struggle with me. She is a dear co-worker and friend and she is praying for you. I am praying for you also. I have seen first hand, thru a dear and devoted friend, waht chemo and cancer can do. I have also seen what God can do firt-hand and believe me, God is still working miracles! He did not stop with my cousin, fifteen years ago, when the doctors called our family in and said there was nothing else to be done, we could say goodbye. Well God said there was nothing the doctors could do, but God kept her and she is with us today, cancer free. So trust him and feel good knowing so many people who have never met you are praying for you right this very second! Your name was put on our prayer list at Liberty Baptist Church in Fayetteville, Ga. I will continue to write you.