Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Well....maybe I'm not so strong after all.....

I absolutely feel worn out today. My hands, legs and feet are swollen. I have no idea why but just going into work has me exhausted. My mind and my body are not in sync on getting back to work. My mind is ready but my body is not.

The consultant they hired to work on one of my customers' is staying for a couple of weeks to get me into the loop on what is happening with my customer. I'm thankful for that but the whole job has changed dramatically from before so I learning the job from scratch. Learning is not the hard part, it is trying to understand what has changed, what policy or directive is affected, what supercedes what and what type of authority approval it all requires. You definitelyl have to have a fresh mind to absorb all the information. It is a year's worth of change that I need to get through in a couple of weeks.

Of course, I'm still trying to get access into the systems so I can understand all the statistics, data and performance but.......so many people have to be involved to approve the authority for me to have access...just takes forever. So it is always a little frustrating in the beginning just trying to extract data when your access is so limited. This all takes time and I will try to be patient. It is difficult when you have to have intelligent conversations with customers and you don't even know the answers yourself. So this is the part of my normal chaotic world where I used to thrive...now I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything.

If I took pain killers all day like I did when we went to California, I would be fine. I can't live on pain killers. I have come to appreciate their purpose for when I have alot of pain but I do not want to grow dependent upon them. Many times when people tell me how good I look and how it seems like I'm really getting around is usually because I've taken something. I tease and say I've become a drug addict because I would rarely ever take medicine before but you learn really fast that you take them to survive. This will eventually all go away but it just takes time....

It is amazing how many people have cancer or maybe I'm just more sensitive to it. My boss told me that her cousin has stage 3 colon cancer and wanted to know if I would call her. She has just had part of her colon removed and is about to start chemo. I learned the hard way some tips on nausea, pain, etc. and it does help to talk with someone who has been through it.

Our VP's father has just had surgery also for colon cancer. I told her that we would be praying for him but haven't heard any updated information on how he is doing.

It just makes you wonder what is in our food...if colon cancer is the second most common cancer and 80% of people diagnosed do not have a family history...it just makes you wonder?? My doctors have never been able to determine what caused mine.

The weather has been beautiful and warm for lazy days by the pool. My girls have been able to take advantage of that in between working. I don't feel up to going out to the pool yet.

I just have to remember to take one day at a time because otherwise, it will overwhelm me. I've come to far by God's grace and mercy and I don't need to squander my blessing. My co-workers have been so sweet and tell me that I need to go home and take it easy. I'm thankful that they care and recognize that my body is not up for all this at one time yet. In a couple of weeks, I think I'll be fine. I just have to get used to doing it all again.....

I'm really really tired and already have my pjs on but I'm afraid if I lay down right now, I will fall asleep all evening, wake up and not be able to sleep tonight. Although I may not wake up until morning since I can't stop yawning. Oh, I just feel so lazy anymore....ugh!

Thank you for all the wonderful comments via e-mail, work e-mail, blog comments or in passing...it really makes me want to push myself that much more just knowing so many people care! :-)

By the way, Vernie I did notice in one of your blog comments that you would be walking in my honor in a Cancer Walk. It is so hard to believe that you would take so much time to encourage me yet, you didn't even know me until we met at my tea! I feel very humbled that you would walk in my honor. You have been such a wonderful blessing :-)

Tammy-Reconnecting with you all these years...wow, it has been awesome. You are just as sweet and calm as you always were. I remember chaotic times at work when you would say, "well, now let's see about that" in your calm and collected way. I know everyone in our dept. then just thought you were the bomb! ;-) You are still great today as you were then!

Linda Shanks-Thank you for all the cards and encouraging words while you yourself are going through physical illness. You were always special to us at school....you always getting into trouble with the rest of us even though you were supposed to be the teacher. I remember you telling everyone, "hurry get back to your seats, Sis. Frazier is coming!!" ha. We had so much fun....those were the first years after arriving here from Indiana. You definitely were special then as you are now....we are praying for your dad.

Mickey -Oh my goodness, you have kept up with me and have helped keep others informed at work...always thinking of ways to make the chemo months better (still worrying about me). All your cards, trips to my house to deliver all the drinks/plastic flatware/plates/cups/napkins/lemon drops/peppermint tea, your calls....You have been such an angel and blessing to our family. I can't say enough about how much you helped us through the work family.

I didn't want to name anyone on my blogs because there are sooooooo many people who have been such a blessing to us. However, I decided today that I'm going to start sharing some of these blessings. I do not want to hurt anyone if your name isn't personally mentioned because I'm so grateful and thankful for all the prayers, comments, calls and support from everyone...believe me, everyone is and has been so important to us!!!

I want to share so that others may be inspired to pass the blessing forward to others. It does matter to those that are sick when they receive a card. It can be a homemade card. It does matter that you are praying and make a point to say so....nothing you do, even a word in passing, pat on the back goes unnoticed. You have truly been the hands and feet of God pushing, pulling, tugging and moving forward the awesome blessing I've received with my diagnosis of, "no evidence of disease".....YOU are the reason. Do not ever think that what you have to offer is to small or really doesn't count...IT DOES!!

I want to have an attitude of gratitude every day I live! I thank you for the blessing you helped bring into my life....my journey would not be the same without YOU!

Life is precious, I don't want to squander it.
Love to all,


Anonymous said...

Oh Leah, thank you for the sweet comments. I can't imagine what it's like for you going back to work after being out this long and having to basically start all over. You are one smart cookie and I know you will do fine - if given the time and lots of rest in between. I'm sure withdrawing from all that pain medicine will be a challenge of its own. I know when Chris has his accident many years ago now, that was hard for him. He made it through 19 operations and then had to deal with that obstacle. But, that's all it is - an obstacle to be conquered. You will feel so much better when they are totally out of your system. Something to look forward to. And, it's not always just a physical thing with those pain pills - but a mental and emotional one too. You are strong and you will win - be patient.

Have a great week.


Vernie said...

Okay Ms.Leah, it's 5:00 in the afternoon and you should be all snuggled in and resting by now, surely!! I don't know what your working hours are, but I know the earlier I get home the better I feel! Take it slow so that you can smell the roses and you go!

The Cancer walk was so uplifting, just being there among so many that have lived to share their story was good for all the others who are fighting it. That event has always been so special to me, and since I have my very own survivor now with a story that shows what faith can do, I just could not wait to sport your name! You are a special lady and a true Christian and I am glad to have you in my life! Get some rest, that's what I'm doing. When I look at the news and see all the traffic jams out there, I am just too happy to be home! Love ya much!


Tina said...

I hope you have a wonderful, restful weekend!!

Pam Nixon said...

Wow, that was really nice of Vernie to walk in your name. Glad you're back to work, but sounds pretty overwhelming to me. Take it easy, I'm sure your co-workers don't expect you to overdo it. Love you.