Monday, June 15, 2009

Man, oh Man am I tired?

I'm so sorry that it has been so long since I've written. I've been so tired since returning to work June 1st. The first few days, I wondered if I was going to make it. By the time I got to work, I was exhausted just from the driving. I could hardly keep my eyes open. As the days have progressed, I'm not as sleepy in the morning but as the day wears on....oh, I just feel exhausted!

I told Steve last night that I do not feel normal. Although I'm doing all the normal things I used to do, I don't feel normal. It has changed me to the very core of my being. I can't explain it because I've already tried. I think it is the way we should always feel. Being on the constant wheel of change and stress doesn't really get you anywhere. We are conditioned to run a marathon everyday with what we have to do, see, etc. but that conditioning is not me anymore. I hate to use the words, "I don't care" but "I don't care" about the things that do not count.

Someone that will remain nameless was diagnosed with breast cancer two months before my diagnosis. We know each other through our husbands. I've kept up with her through my husband. She had been doing really well until recently. She went into work and spent the day at a going away party. They thought she had overdone it when she starting getting viral symptons. As it continued, they spoke with the doctor and he said it wasn't viral but it was the cancer. They had been so optimistic because they were told the chemo was really helping to clear the spots that had moved to her lungs. They just put her into the hospital Sunday night because she can hardely breathe.

I was so upset that I couldn't stop crying. Steve kept asking me what was wrong and I really couldn't explain why I was crying. The only way I know how to explain it is that I was relating to what she was going through in her mind. You wonder if this nightmare is ever going to go away. Please pray for this family. They really really need a miracle. I know God is able to do anything we ask, we just have to ask him and believe.

I was so happy to hear that my boss' father had colon surgery and is doing well. No chemo or radiation required. He had colon cancer when he was younger but they stopped testing him so frequently. When they did finally test him, it was back. Thank the Lord that it was caught in time before it spread!!

Every day I wonder what am I doing on this earth and why am I here? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?? I'm so thankful for my job especially the fact that they waited almost a year for me to return. I've been able to jump right in and figure out what is going on alot quicker than I thought that I might. However, no matter where you work or live, is there more to life than this? It is a very strange feeling.

You realize how fragile life really is but yet we take so much for granted. I'm so thankful for all my family and friends alike. So many have done so much....I wonder if I've ever been a friend like that to anyone? If I haven't, then I sure need to be because that is when it really counts.

Well, I'm really tired. I have business travel in the morning, will get back to the airport around 10 pm. tomorrow night and then down to Emory for my testing first thing Wednesday.

Sorry I'm rambling, I think I'm just tired....
Have a good night,
Love to all,


Vernie said...

Thanks for chimming in Leah, I've been wondering if you were working and playing and having so much fun until you had no time for chatting! Take it easy girl and don't get discouraged or frightened. The same God that brought you this far had a plan so flow with it freely like the bird!

Talk later! I'm sleepy myself.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Vernie - just go with the flow and see where life takes you. But, you have to wonder if all of this happened for a reason - maybe to make you slow down and take a closer look at your life. Maybe it was meant to encourage you to enjoy life a little more and not take work too seriously. You've got to make time for yourself. Sometimes I feel like all I do is work and get ready for work. I think most of us have had the feelings you are having now - like "what's this all about"? As long as you recognize it, maybe that's a good thing. Hang in there Leah. We know you're very busy now but we need our blog fix at least once a week - even if it's a short hello (smile).

One thing that has really helped me is a 4-day week with Wednesday's off. I work 9 hours a day with every other Wednesday off and then I take a vacation day on the alternate Wednesday. It makes a huge difference in the fatigue factor. You never have to work more than 2 days in a row. Take care and continue to get strong.


Mother said...

I agree... I am your mother and I still look forward to your blogs.
I read them many times with tears streaming down my face wondering...
" Is that really my child?"
I am so sorry that you must make this journey. I realize that it is nothing I have done,or could do to make it all go away. But isn't a mommy suppose to kiss it and make it better?
I sure wish that was true.
Honey, I pray for better days ahead.
I love you,

Anonymous said...

Well, Leah, I think you are stronger than you think. You are doing it, just not with the energy that you used to have. It could be that the energy is not there because the excitement from the job is not there. You have learned that other things matter more, and that is where the focus of your energy has gone. Why waste energy on something that really doesn't matter in the scheme of things? Unfortunately, most people have to work to provide in this day-in-age. Maybe God will lead you to a job that is more meaningful to you. Either way, rest in Him and He will guide you in all areas.

I guess I am rambling now. I have not gone through anything like your situation, but I know my dad's health and even my own has made me realize that life is too short for the meaningless. Enjoy life, and glorify Him. If you do those things (and I know that you do), then your life has purpose.