Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Oh my joints ache!

I could not sleep again last night. My legs and arms hurt so bad. It is just a constant throb. I tried massaging them myself but it didn't seem to help. I finallyb relented and took another pain killer. I realized that I'm now immune to them and they do not work. I'm afraid to try anything stronger, as these are already strong. It was my leg joints killing me and now it is my arms too!

I had meetings all day today but I had a short break between two of them at lunch time so I went and got a pedi/mani and the really only reason I did it was for the massage. It hurt at the time but felt a little better and now the pain is back. So frustrating....the neuropathy in my feet has been getting worse again. However, it is only at the top of my feet and not the soles. I know in the big scheme of things, this really is nothing but when you hurt all night, and can't sleep it does start to wear on you.

I got home and Steve was putting on Angela's new license plate she got from a friend for her birthday (which was Saturday). Happy 19th Angela! The license plate says it all, "#1 Brat". Spoiled rotten kids but they have been such good girls and what a blessing....

Mom, dad and all the rest of the family are either in Savannah or headed to Savannah this weekend. I thought getting away sounded nice but then it just makes you tired so I'll wait until Fall and go to the mountains.

I must admit (I've been putting off saying this) that I've been more than a little stressed. In fact, I think I'd became right down depressed, which isn't my nature at all. After going through almost of year of doing everything to survive, you begin to view things through totally different lenses. You don't realize how traumatic it is mentally until after you go through it. I realize that I was crying very easy over very small things. I feel like everything is going to swallow me up...where ever I'm at, I want to be somewhere else....but don't know where that somewhere else is. I don't like for anyone to get upset. It instantly brings me to tears when I hear someone is sick. My body still isn't as well as I pretend it to be but I don't expect any sympathy so I don't like to bother anyone else with it.

The only person that I will usually bother is poor Steve. I don't know how that guy stays so strong and does what he does. Most would crumble under the pressure he has been under but sometimes I wonder if it doesn't make him stronger vs. weaker like it would most. I know he hides his feelings. We are somehow both good at doing that which is not really good but then again, it doesn't help the situation to whine either.

The only reason I'm sharing any of this is because I think it is important to share the feelings of what you go through...although I've not totally shared everything...I will share that it is more than mentally tough....

Thanks to Steve for going to the mall with me tonight just to get out after work. I was hurting all day and evening but thought doing something different would help. I felt bad because I could tell how tired Steve was and then I felt guilty for asking him to do something. He never complains.

Well, tomorrow is the last work day of this week. Yeah! I have so much to do though, I wonder how I will be able to with the short week. I'm not allowing myself to get into working hours and hours of overtime. My body is not ready and I don't think that I should get into that habit. It is not good physically or mentally.

I'm exhausted. Everyone have a very safe and happy holiday!!
Love to all,


Vernie said...

Hey look pretty lady, you just take things slow and whatever you feel at the moment, work it out at that moment. You've been thru a lot and you're not done. You still have all those meds to get rid of and your body is still trying to adjust and re-adjust and all kinds of things. It'll all come together, you'll see. I think my cousin says it's like grief, except you are so happy to be where you are but you still have to go thru the stuff to get back where you were. She says there are steps you'll go thru, depression and fear and doubt and all of the grief-things, but it will be okay because you got us and poor old Steve and we ain't going nowhere! So beat up on him, love him too, whine and lean on us, and remember we are here for whatever you need us to be. We love you and we still pray for your healing!

Going home now, may blog again later! So glad this day is over! (Hey to my friend and co-worker Tammy who is taking some well-earned time off) love you all!


Anonymous said...

Have a great weekend Leah. We're still here for you anytime - if you ever need anything, just give me a call. I could take you somewhere or go with you to the doctor, or whatever you need. I wonder if drinking a glass or two of wine could add a little kick to your pain meds. I hope that pain subsides.

I'll pray for you right now. Talk to you soon.


Anonymous said...

I will not say that I can relate to your experience because I cannot. I do know that my dad being sick for so long and me being sick for a while does take a toll on you mentally and physically and makes you re-evaluate the important things in life. With me, it is after the experience that is the hardest. Maybe that is what you are experiencing. I handle each situation fine in the midst, but, afterwards, my body and mind revolts. Anyway, breathe, relax, pray, and realize that it is normal.


AET said...


It's July 16 and your Mom just shared the fantastic news with us at Lathem... she's been in tears all morning and I have to admit to tearing up when I heard your test results!

I know you're back at work with a vengeance, traveling a lot, but I just wanted to tell you how happy I am to hear about this blessing.


Carmen said...

Hey cous, I can honestly say I know what your going throug with joints hurting. And yes it wear's on your mind and body. It makes you feel like WHAT NEXT if this is what I have to live with than NO thank take me now God. I was so depressed at times I didnt want to wake up but God had other plans so Im still here. I have had joint pain as you know forever I cant remember never having it. I even have told mom and your mom I would like to wake up just one day and be pain free but that has never happend so oh well. For whatever reason this is my cross to carry and you have yours with cancer God has a reason and a plan for you and me to be a blessing t to someone going through the same thing and show them Gods grace and healing power someday we will know why God gave us this.