Good and not so good things!

Life is so busy, I feel that I meet myself coming and going. Life shouldn't pass by us so quickly. It just seems as the sun comes up in the morning, I go to work and the day becomes a blur and then back home and the sun is already gone down and then in a few short hours, it all starts over again.

I try to remind myself that every day is a blessed day. No matter how much we struggle or what we have to go through, it is worth living. A couple of days ago, someone at work was celebrating a birthday and when I said to them..."oh, someone has a birthday," they replied, "I'm not having one this year," to which I said,"I used to say that until I almost didn't have one so now I'm proud of my age because it means another year God blessed me with life." We get so wrapped up in the things that really mean so little and have to make time for the things we savor so much....why does life have to be that way?

The other day I received a little saying about the things we should no longer worry about...one of the sayings went something like this, "I don't worry as much about my job as I do my friends because when I'm sick or in need, my friends are the ones who visit, call, prepare my supper or just lend support....a job is just a job." The job will just be picked up by someone else and pretty soon they will say, "Leah who?" I say, Amen to that...I have been surrounded by so many friends (work, church and otherwise) that I can't imagine a life without them!!

Since I've last blogged, the friend whom I requested prayer for that had the same cancer as I and only given months to live, died 2 days after I made my last post. I must tell you that I was very heart broken for his family. He and I had spoken about our struggle with this disease and he had total faith that he was going to make it. He was 31, left behind his wife, his son (who is 4) and a daughter who just turned 1 the day before her dad had his colon surgery in January.

I must say that I was shocked and unsettled, as it happened really fast. However, God has a plan for all of us and the most important thing is that he was ready to go. He left behind an awesome legacy for his children. So many live long lives and do not give half as much to their families. It isn't always the quantity, most time we remember the quality time.

Tammy, (she worked at my company for 15 yrs. and had left years ago but we reconnected through my sickness) posts comments on here for me all the time has just found out that she has Hodgkins Lymphoma. She has been there for me throughout this past year faithfully reading my blog, sending cards, leaving comments, etc. never knowing that she would be going through the same thing. She was due for a PET scan today. I believe once she gets the results she will know the stage of cancer she is in.

After I found out last week, she and I were talking and she shared an experience with me that really inspired her. She said that as she was going down the road thinking about the cancer and what she was going to go through, she said she just spoke and said, "God will you just give me a sign that everything is going to be okay?". She said it wasn't 15 seconds later that she looked up at the sky with large billowy clouds and a mist started coming down and then the most beautiful rainbow came out of the sky. God has an awesome way of reassuring us if we put our trust in HIM. We cannot do it ourselves. Sorry for those of you who think it is weak to love God, go to church, etc. If you are ever near death or it comes upon you suddenly, I guarantee you will quickly find out how powerless and weak you really are....no amount of money or power gets you anywhere when faced with death!

Please remember Tammy and her family in your prayers. I know mentally how difficult this journey is....many times the mental part of the journey overshadows the physical part. Believe me, physically there are days you wonder if you are going to make it but I always turned my face and faith to the Comforter. HE is the one who brings you through when you don't think you can....you can't but HE can. I saw a saying today, "He won't take you TO, what he won't bring you THROUGH". Sometimes I firmly believe this is a way to test you! Do you really have what you think you have or what you say you have or are you so weak that you just lie down and die?

Sometimes you can do everything you know to do and still it is in God's plan to go. I still want to be remembered for how hard I fought for my family, how we used the resources of family and friends to get through....if you don't want to fight for yourself...fight for your family....don't they deserve a legacy? Show them what real strength looks like...hang on, hold on and fight!

Not really sure why I'm writing what I'm writing tonight. I just have this feeling that someone is feeling very low and needs to know that it is going to be okay. Success is not what we have, our abilities, our high profile connections, it is feeling peace and contentment. No matter your situation, things could be a whole lot worse and they can be a whole lot better. It is finding the balance of being happy in whatever you do. I'm amazed just people watching and finding those who find excitement in the smallest of things and then others who can find no excitement in anything.

I want to find joy and happiness where ever I have to go or do in life. It is no different than taking a long road trip. You can be 20 hours in misery getting there or finding fun things to do on the way (playing games, singing, watching movies or just enjoying the scenery). No matter what, you will still be on the journey for 20 hrs.....just make the best of it and enjoy the ride.

I have to put a mirror in front of myself sometimes and say, "would I like to be around me?"

Ah, I just looked out the kitchen door as I was typing this and the most beautiful bird just landed. I love birds...another one of God's very special creations!

Love to all,
Leah

This and That...

Wow, there have been so many things to celebrate lately. I realized on July 23rd while sitting at work that it was exactly 1 year since I went in for surgery. I thought to myself how much had transpired in a year...the face of death and now the road to recovery! It has been quite the journey.

I e-mailed Steve at work and asked him, "Steve, do you remember what you were doing exactly 1 year ago today?" The ever jokester responds with, "eating chicken fingers". I laughed and said, "how could you, I wasn't even able to have an ice chip, water, food or anything for 7 days besides the fact that I couldn't have anything 2 days prior to the surgery!". I was telling Kimberly and she laughed because she remembered taking chicken fingers to her dad to eat at the hospital because he of course was with me the entire time. It is so awesome to be able to look back and laugh.

This weekend on a whim decided to go to Tenneesee to visit friends, we've not seen in quite a while. In fact, we were best friends for years and then we moved, they moved and we lost touch. When I became sick, we re-connected and they drove for hours on a week night just to spend a couple of hours with us. They live close to Knoxville, Tennessee. It has been so hectic that I've been having chest pains, etc. so I thought a change of scenery would do us all good.

We had a marvelous time. There is nothing like lots of laughter with friends. We had so much fun that we did not want to leave. Since it was our anniversary, we went to a Japanese Steakhouse and then to a place called, Manchies. It is a frozen yogurt place that has all kinds of yogurt with toppings of every kind. It is all self-serve and you fill your bowl or waffle bowls with as much as you like and then you weigh them. It was wonderful!!

They live in the Smokey Mountains so the view was unbelievable. I can see why they would want to live there. The real estate is very expensive but oh my, what an awesome place to live and even more beautiful place to retire.

Today is Steve's birthday so being on the road made it a little difficult to have a cake. We tried at lunch but somehow the wires got crossed and our server never did anything so we finally grew tired of waiting and left. His sister, Vicky made him a cake and his other sister, Angie brought it over once we got home from the trip. I was glad he actually had a cake. I was thinking as I looked at the cake that last year, his sister Vicky made him a cake and brought it to the hospital. So, I guess this year the cake tastes better than ever, especially getting to eat it at home! "-)

Since I've been sick this past year, riding in the car makes my legs swell so I better go and get things under control so I can be rested and ready for work tomorrow.
Have a great night! Thank you all so much for listening and your kind words.

P.S. I just found out that another person who just found out they had the exact same cancer and same stage of cancer that I had, has only been given 6 months to live. This is really the most important thing that I have to say today and that is to please pray for this very young family. God is able to do all things, HE sure has done that for me and I know HE is just as capable to do it for this person. Please remember them in your prayers. They really need a miracle. This really isn't a by the way statement, it has been on my heart and wasn't sure if I should say it or not because I'm not sure who all reads this but the more people praying the better!!

God Bless,
Love to all,
Leah

No rest for the weary but time to celebrate one year!!

I have been so busy at work that I've been too tired to even blog. Today, I actually left at 5:30 p.m. I have been working till 8-9 p.m. every night (and all day Saturday) and have been traveling. Honestly, it has been overwhelming and has made me wonder just how long I can really keep this up?? I would have been exhausted with full energy so this makes it doubly as hard. Believe it or not, I still struggle with pain every day. I am a pretty good faker so most of the time you won't know that I'm struggling because I learned that no one likes a whiner.

The great news about today though is something that mom reminded everyone via e-mail....and that is last year on this day, I found out that I had cancer. It seemed like we started traveling through a dark tunnel not knowing what was going to be on the other side. That is when God stepped in and family and friends stepped up and prayer became my strength day in and day out. I still thank the Lord every day for his awesome mercy and grace and pray that I do not squander his blessing.

I knew this was the month but really hadn't thought about the date and didn't really think about, "celebrating"....however, as I thought about the e-mail that mom sent this morning, I realized that it was okay to celebrate the awesome wonder of God. After all, HE is what got me through, how could I even fail to think to celebrate? So, today I'm thankful and grateful that I'm on the other side of this diagnosis.

This day provides me another chance to say, "thank you for all the support and prayers". I still covet the prayers and continue to feel strength. I try to go the extra mile thinking of others who are traveling this road. Every time the word cancer is brought up about someone, I immediately tear up. I never thought I would be so affected by this disease but I realize it is more a disease of the mind. I could deal with what was going on physically a whole lot better than mentally. I was always worried about my family etc. etc.

Yesterday I talked on the phone with the husband of someone who is on their 3rd chemo treatment. I kept wanting to cry on the phone but I forced myself to stay composed. I told him that I thought and prayed for them everyday. I knew what mentally she must be going through and he said, "she just said that last night". I told him to take care of himself, go get exams or whatever he needed because it would make her feel better. He said, "she is #1" and I told him that when I was sick all I could think about was Steve and my family needed to go get exams. These were things that made me feel better. Those who don't have God in their life and go through something like this....I'm not sure how they do it. It can really mess you up. I'm so thankful that so many prayed so I was able to keep a "gonna make it no matter what" attitude no matter how bad it got.

It wasn't anything I did but I just listened to what I knew in my heart and what I had been taught to do. I had been given the tools/resources over my life through family and church on holding on through the struggle and that in the end, I was going to be okay. You can't let go, can't give in and you can't let it anger or change you.....but you are in for the long haul and by staying in and standing strong, God was going to bless us through this experience.

Today, as I frantically work hour after hour, I do not ever forget in my mind God's awesome word of protection for me. There is nothing in my day that is more important than serving HIM or others as he sees fit for me to do.

I think about those in the waiting rooms, waiting for their next treatment, those sitting beside someone's bed wondering if they will have a next breath and I wonder why God allowed me to be spared and given more life. I didn't deserve it but God chose to give it to me. I didn't give myself life and until I take my last breath on this earth, I will never forget the journey of where I've been, where God has brought me and where God is going to take me. It is a walk of faith. It is a strength after and through the struggle, it is a joy that passeth all understanding, it is a road that not everyone will travel but somehow for some reason I did. I don't ever want to take my blessing, hide it and move on.

I know many of you can relate to this in different ways because God has been good to all of us. I wonder what we've done once we received it.....did we just move on and forget it? Or did it change us in some way that made us better or make us want to do more to help others? Life is so short, we can have fun in all sorts of ways but the greatest satisfaction that I think we ever have is helping others and leading them to the same joy that we cherish in our hearts and life.

As I lay down to ready myself for another day, the simple words taught as a child, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take" still hold true today. No matter what, I'm thankful for this road that I started traveling as a child guided by my parents, and today as a parent, I'm guiding my children down this same road so that as they reach bumps, holes and detours that they will remember that no matter what God is the Master of our road and in charge of our soul. You just can't get better than that....

Love to all,

Good Night,

Leah

Oh my joints ache!

I could not sleep again last night. My legs and arms hurt so bad. It is just a constant throb. I tried massaging them myself but it didn't seem to help. I finallyb relented and took another pain killer. I realized that I'm now immune to them and they do not work. I'm afraid to try anything stronger, as these are already strong. It was my leg joints killing me and now it is my arms too!



I had meetings all day today but I had a short break between two of them at lunch time so I went and got a pedi/mani and the really only reason I did it was for the massage. It hurt at the time but felt a little better and now the pain is back. So frustrating....the neuropathy in my feet has been getting worse again. However, it is only at the top of my feet and not the soles. I know in the big scheme of things, this really is nothing but when you hurt all night, and can't sleep it does start to wear on you.



I got home and Steve was putting on Angela's new license plate she got from a friend for her birthday (which was Saturday). Happy 19th Angela! The license plate says it all, "#1 Brat". Spoiled rotten kids but they have been such good girls and what a blessing....


Mom, dad and all the rest of the family are either in Savannah or headed to Savannah this weekend. I thought getting away sounded nice but then it just makes you tired so I'll wait until Fall and go to the mountains.


I must admit (I've been putting off saying this) that I've been more than a little stressed. In fact, I think I'd became right down depressed, which isn't my nature at all. After going through almost of year of doing everything to survive, you begin to view things through totally different lenses. You don't realize how traumatic it is mentally until after you go through it. I realize that I was crying very easy over very small things. I feel like everything is going to swallow me up...where ever I'm at, I want to be somewhere else....but don't know where that somewhere else is. I don't like for anyone to get upset. It instantly brings me to tears when I hear someone is sick. My body still isn't as well as I pretend it to be but I don't expect any sympathy so I don't like to bother anyone else with it.

The only person that I will usually bother is poor Steve. I don't know how that guy stays so strong and does what he does. Most would crumble under the pressure he has been under but sometimes I wonder if it doesn't make him stronger vs. weaker like it would most. I know he hides his feelings. We are somehow both good at doing that which is not really good but then again, it doesn't help the situation to whine either.

The only reason I'm sharing any of this is because I think it is important to share the feelings of what you go through...although I've not totally shared everything...I will share that it is more than mentally tough....

Thanks to Steve for going to the mall with me tonight just to get out after work. I was hurting all day and evening but thought doing something different would help. I felt bad because I could tell how tired Steve was and then I felt guilty for asking him to do something. He never complains.

Well, tomorrow is the last work day of this week. Yeah! I have so much to do though, I wonder how I will be able to with the short week. I'm not allowing myself to get into working hours and hours of overtime. My body is not ready and I don't think that I should get into that habit. It is not good physically or mentally.

I'm exhausted. Everyone have a very safe and happy holiday!!
Love to all,
Leah

Have you ever had so much to do that you ignore it all?

This is the way I feel today. I have so much work to do at work and so much at home that I'm having a hard time getting anything done. I need to turn into an octupus to be able to reach all the areas that need something done. I guess we all feel that way, huh?

I'm working on a multi-billion dollar contract right now which is the most stressful part of my job. I have a credit performance meeting with the Executive team at another large lender I've just taken on in 2 weeks so I will be on the road again. I've just taken them on and now I get to go share the news of the things that are/aren't working well...oh joy, what a way to break the ice! Here I am and here's your report card, "F". I'll be back in a couple of months to review you again. See ya! ha.

A month after that I will be in Cincinnati at one of lenders shops to be part of an audit of the Corporation. It seems like I'm going to be doing alot of traveling to keep up with everything. I've finally started getting into the groove a little. Some days I would wonder if I was really going to be able to do it. There is no "slow" in this business. It is like jumping on a roller coaster and trying to slow it down with your feet...impossible. I've been back to work a month after being off for almost a year so I think I may expect too much of myself too quickly. All in a day's work for the young'uns.

I can't wait until they get their degrees and really working so I can lay on their beds and say, "man, I really need a new car....and not just anyone will do". "Can you buy me one, please?" Look at them with the sad face, puckered lip and tell them how much I love them....I just bet they will be jumping up with glee at the thought of doing something for me! Yeah right...! Somehow it doesn't work that way...:-) Sounds good though. They truly are our greatest joys in life.

I love my dogs but they don't live long enough. All you have to do is give them a bone every once in a while, feed, water and get their shots once a year and they are good to go. Always happy to see you, listens to all your troubles and never tells a soul and couldn't imagine being anywhere else but home.

This 4th of July I think we are going to stay home and plant some landscaping and deep clean the house. Oh doesn't that sound like fun? We tore out the landscaping in front of our house last year and then I got sick so unfortunately, it left our house bare and looking sick too! We are trying to find a good nursery for inexpensive but a nice tree to plant in front of the house (can't grow very big) and other types of shrubs etc. Steve went by Home Depot by our house and said what was there was pretty pitiful looking. We don't really know what we are doing but we at least know when plants/trees, etc. look healthy.

Well, gonna go...got home a few minutes early to miss the traffic...was thinking a nice nap sounded good.

Love to all,
Leah

Everything's fine....

Sorry, I didn't realize that I had not updated this since my last tests. Someone got me on facebook and I updated to let everyone know and then someone asked me about my tests....and I said, "yes, I updated online".....and they said, "don't leave us hanging on the blog".....sorry, I thought I had updated....

Everything is fine from my tests. The spot on my liver they believe is only cystic (fluid buildup). They always tend to locate more cysts or other things within my body and the pathology report will say, "need to closely watch" so I never really feel like I get a "clear no worries" type of clearance.

However, I'm very thankful that I didn't have any new cancer. I will have follow-up tests in 4 months now vs. 2 month intervals. I was glad about that.

The weekend has been a scorcher but beautiful. Man, I couldn't sleep at all last night. I should be on the road right now on the way to work. So I better get off and get outta here. Just wanted to tell all of you how much I appreciate the constant prayers, etc. They aren't taking my port out for awhile. My guess is that they will leave it in as long as they can until I reach 5 year survival without any re-occurance. It doesn't hurt or anything...well, every once in a while it will jab into my shoulder but other than that it is kid's play in comparison to anything else.

Have alot of work at work to do so, 'austa la pasta'.

Love to all,
Leah

Buzzzzzy as usual....

Another very busy day at work. They are changing customer assignments around and so I've now gained another National customer. So, I will be really really bussssy at work and traveling again in a couple of weeks. In our economy, I'm blessed to have a job but wishing Adam and Eve didn't screw up in the beginning of time. I could see myself eating from the garden...not worrying about work, just enjoying the life God made for us. Adam was too weak and listened to his woman so off to work we all go.....

Tomorrow morning back to Emory to get my results. Will blog tomorrow...

By the way, talked with my best friend growing up that I've not seen in 25 years last night for 2 hrs. She and I grew up together on the same street in Indiana and now she is in Portland, Oregon and of course, I'm in the awesome state of Georgia. Funny the paths our lives take us.....

I'm tired as usual so I'm going to rest....will let you know how things go tomorrow. It is going to be another great day, I just know!!

Love to all,
Leah