Another test this morning!

I'll be headed to Emory in a couple of hours for yet another test! Not everyone gets sick in the preparation for these tests. Somehow I always manage to get sick. I ended up throwing up and being nauseous all evening and night. I had to wake myself back up this morning to take more of the medicine that is going to help with this test today. YUCK, I feel horrible!!

I wish the tests were this easy:

• Has family-check
• Has friends-check
• Has a heart-check
• Appreciation and compassion for others-check
• Brain-been gone awhile but hopes to be back soon
• Will to fight this to the end-check
• Faith that this will be a Victory-check

Testing is over-you will again be normal!!

If the tests were only this easy-I could ace them all!! :-) We will be down at Emory most of the day. I check into surgery at 7:30 a.m. and the testing begins at 8:30 a.m. Recovery and an appt. with my Oncologist later in the day makes me know that this is going to be another long day. I've not gotten any sleep so I look forward to when they knock me out. Now if I could just bring some of that "stuff" home with me when I'm so restless and can't sleep at night.

When I was going through chemo, I actually enjoyed being able to lay down and sleep. Now I'm back to my all night restless nights. One of the primary reasons is the shooting pain you have in your legs. My grandma, who just went through chemo/radiation has the exact same thing. The doctors said it is nerve pain created by the chemo. Interestingly enough, it hurts all day long but becomes unbelievable painful when you lay down. We haven't figured out why that is but something about trying to keep your legs still, just make them hurt worse. :-)

I'm going to ask the doctor today why it seems I'm getting more and more cold-blooded. On a bright sunny day when everyone else is roasting, I'm freezing. I could wear boots and a sweater everyday of the week and probably would still feel cold.

Yesterday, I had a shirt and sweatshirt on around the house and was still cold. Steve and Kimberly said they were sweating. Steve said it was 77 degrees in the house and I was still covering up on the couch with all my clothes on. Mom mentioned it could be that my blood is low. I'm sure it is something very simple but I just need to see if there is something that I can do because it is miserable being so cold all the time. We get in the car and the slightest bit of air coming out of the vent makes me feel like I'm in a deep freezer!

I'll find out today hopefully when I can return full time to work. I'm a little bit worried since I've been gone for so long that I will be so far behind, that I will be a liability. I'll just have to work that out with my co-workers.

Ugh, I wish I didn't have to take more pills this morning. I feel sick and then to think I have at least an hour on the road. YUCK!! I've learned the hard way, when you think that you can't handle another thing or what you have seems so overwhelming, just remember things really can get worse.....there are so many in much worse shape than we are. We have alot to be thankful for!

I'm thankful that I have a husband that goes with me to every hospital visit and cares for me when I'm sick. As soon as I started getting sick last night, he was right by my side offering a warm towel and cleaning up after me. I don't know what I do without him. No matter how difficult for me, I think this has all been much worse for my family. I'm just blessed to have all of them. It is the small things that we expect that really is a blessing...not everyone has their family close to them or is close enough with their family to have their assistance.

As always, thank you for your prayer and support. Hopefully we will have results today from all the testing I did last week. Please pray that I don't have to have anymore tests right now. They make me so sick!! God is good all the time, all the time God is good!! I thank him for everything.

Love to all,

Leah

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death!

• The greatest possession you have is the 24 hours directly in front of you. "For there is a time there for every purpose and for every work". Ecclesiastes 3:17



• Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain. "Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." Deuteronomy 31:6



• True faith and courage are like a kite-an opposing wind raises it higher."But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31



• When confronted with a Goliath-sized problem, which way do you respond: "He's too big to hit or like David, "He's too big to miss"? "The Lord that delivereth me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of the Philistine." I Samuel 17:37



• Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up. "Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. " Hebrews 12:2



• It is good to remember that the tea kettle, although up to its neck in hot water, continues to sing. Rejoice evermore. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. I Thessalonians 5:16-18



• Some people complain because God put thorns on roses, while others praise Him for putting roses among thorns. "Finally, brethern, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8

Sparrows

Jesus said they are barely worth a penny. "Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. Matthew 10:29

Yet of the world's nine thousand bird species, Jesus singled out the least noticed and most insignificant of birds to make a point.

If God takes time to keep his eyes on every sparrow, -where it is going and whether or not its needs are being met-then surely he must keep tabs on you/me. Intimately. Personally. Every detail in mind.

The Bible points to eagles to underscore courage and power, and speaks of doves as symbols of peace and contentment. However, God uses sparrows to teach a lesson about trust. Just as he tenderly cares for the tiny bird, noting when it falls to the ground...how much more does he care and notice us who are formed in his likeness? The sparrow reminds us that HE is worthy of our trust and our greatest confidence.

Many times we are beaten and broken down by others but we must remember that God walks in when everyone has walked out. We have to invite him because he only comes if we ask him to. Who else do we turn to in our darkest hours when we feel all alone? God has been faithful in my life and I know he taken care of me and my family. I never want to ever lose his mercy and grace because it far extends this world. He is gentle and does not push himself on us. He just opens himself up and gives us a steady hand as we march through the swamps of life. We are one nation under God and whether we want to believe it or not, God has blessed all of us!!

If you are doubting today, remember to "Cast all your cares upon Him, for he cares for you. I Peter 5:7

When things go wrong, don't go wrong with them.

Today has been somewhat of a down day for me again. I think it is mostly from the stuff they had me drink for my tests. It has made me sick but I'll soon be over it. Just giving myself time to recover. Other than that, the day was absolutely gorgeous!

I sure hope you enjoyed your day. Thank you again for the comments. They mean so much.

Love to all,

Leah

P.S. The formatting has been messed up for awhile. I'm not sure why it scrunches everything together. It doesn't look like that in my preview. Oh well, you get the idea of what I'm trying to say....:-)

Wow, what a day!

I'm home from Emory from a very eventful day. Why I would expect anything else?

Check in valet at the Emory Winship Cancer Center, down the elevator to the tunnel to Radiology.
At 7:45 a.m. we get to Radiology to sign in for my CT scans. The first thing they ask is whether I've had any food. Well, yes my doctor told me I could and I knew it was going to be a long day so I ate about half of a Chic-fil-A biscuit (which I normally never do). They tell us that they will need to delay testing. Steve expresses concern that we've had this appt. for over 2 months and that we were told everything would be accessed through my port. There wasn't anything special that I would need to do . I remember being so excited about that....well.....

The Radiology Tech asks about my other tests and takes my information to go and make calls to see if we can get the other tests scheduled earlier. He is able to re-arrange my schedule so I can get all my tests in and allow enough time before having my CT scans. They then set up an IV port.

Back on the elevator to the Emory Breast Center.

I sign in and go through all the necessary paperwork and have another breast exam. They make you wait until they check the x-rays to make sure they are okay. After waiting quite a while, they come back out and realize that they should have taken more x-rays. I then wait again. They finally tell me it is okay to go but I'm not really sure it means everything is okay. Just that they will call if they need me. I'm told I will need tests every 6 months vs. yearly.

Back on the Elevator to the Ambulatory Floor.
We then head down to the lab for blood work. I've never seen so many people in my life. The waiting area set up for lab and chemo infusion is overflowing with people. People are standing against the walls because there is no seating. It looks like a bunch of people gathering for some type of large event. I go to the counter and ask them if this is where I need to be for my lab work. They tell me, "yes" and I look over to the line of people that are signing in and realize, we are going to be here for quite a long time.

Once I finally make it back to the lab, I asked the nurse if they are running specials today because of the number of people. They laughed and said, "2 for 1" today. They went onto say, that it has been like this because more and more people are being diagnosed with cancer. Very sad, I think to myself. Unbelievable, as I note that I'm probably the youngest one in the room again. No age and no background is exempt from this terrible disease.

By the way, as I have journeyed through these other appts., I have been given the "yukky" stuff to drink as I go so I'm ready for my CT scans. Mind you, my doctor told me that I would not have to do this....it would all be put in through my port. As the person in Radiology explains it, they cannot do anything through my port unless it is a power port, otherwise the force of the dye going through will blow out my port. I do not drink all the "stuff" as I'm feeling nauseous and I'm afraid that I will get sick before I make it back down to Radiology.

Back on the elevator to the tunnel to the Radiology Dept.
We finally arrive back in Radiology, sign in and take me right back. The guy who helps hook me up to the IV, looks just like one of the Winans. He sees how messed up my skin is from the tape from the lab and an earlier IV injection so he takes his time and uses an alcohol adhesive. He works to get the IV in and then after all the tests, to take the IV out. I realize that I'm not as anxious or as claustrophic as I was the last time I go through the scanner. I've been through too many tests and therefore, I feel calmer. I even notice that the radioactive dye just sets my body on fire as it courses through my body....when before, the side effects were worse.
Back on the elevator, back to the main floor, out to valet (parking is terrible at Emory, especially when school is in session) and finally leaving Emory....

I was so happy to get out of there today. I felt incredibly tired and all I could think about was going to sleep. I fell asleep on the way home and Steve tells me that I was snoring. I am not a snorer so I'm not sure if I believe him or not but I was really out of it. It is a real emotional drain. I'm not even sure if I had all the tests that I'm supposed to, as it wasn't very well coordinated but I'm sure they'll tell me if not.......

Tonight seems like another lazy couch night to re-energize...praying tomorrow that I will have energy again. I know this is alot of rambling but sometimes I hear others say, "oh, you only have to go through testing, that won't be a big deal"....well, it shouldn't be a big deal but.... it always seems to wipe me out.

Hope everyone had a beautiful day. Although it seemed like we were on the elevator going up and down, floor to floor....all I kept thinking is....this is just a small step to get great reports!!

Love to all,
Good night,
Leah

Well....Wednesday is the day....

My first appt. starts at 8:00 a.m. so we will be leaving at 6:30-6:45 am. to head to Emory. Actually not many hours from now....

We won't get results until next week...there is a possibility that we will know something from the breast ultrasound but everything else will be next week.

I will be so glad to get this over with....Yeah!

Steve is going with me....as much as I want it over....I'm also dreading it!

I cannot wait until I get the awesome results!

Have a wonderful day! Thank you to my faithful friends and my blog comments. They are always encouraging and give me an extra boost when I'm going back to the hospital.

Love to all,
Leah

Feeling much better! Thank you '-)

Today was a much better day. I have another dentist appt. at 9:50 a.m. today and then I will be at Emory all day (Wednesday) for my testing.

I don't look forward to it but I'll be glad to get it behind me. I'll have results and next steps when I meet with my Oncologist on the 22nd.

Thank you for the prayers. Will blog later. Trying to get my brain to slow down so I can go to sleep.

Love to all,
Leah

He arose, we have life; life has lessons....

What a beautiful day we had to worship on Easter! I'm so thankful to know that someone loved me enough to die on the cross for my sins. I'm even more grateful that he rose again so that we may have life ever lasting.

The day started off with Steve and the kids getting their Easter baskets. No one is too old around our house to receive from the Easter bunny.

As for me, I woke up not feeling well at all. In fact, had it not been for Easter, I may have stayed home only because I could tell it was one of those painful days. I wanted the day to be so perfect so I pushed myself to go on anyway.

We had 755 in our service this morning and our church I believe holds around 600 comfortably. With so many people, the air conditioning was cranking and I thought I was going to freeze. In fact, I get so cold that I can hardly focus. Steve gives me his suit jacket and I'm still freezing. Everyone else seems to think it is a little cool but comfortable. For whatever reason, getting that cold with my neuropathy starts making my body ache.

The family gets together after the service and with so many people there, the air conditioning and fans are going and I begin to hurt worse. I finally sit in a recliner and get a blanket and try to stay quiet so I don't ruin anyone else's day. The colder I get, the worse I hurt. My grandma (who has just been told that she is now cancer-free) sees me and gives me another blanket and 1300 mgs. of Tylenol and it doesn't even touch my pain.

When the family gets together, we always celebrate birthdays and anniversaries of those in the family since the last gathering. It just so happens, today is my sister's birthday. We have her party and I feel the pain getting out of control. I try to manage it and before I make it into the next room, it has gone from bad to worse and I feel the tears coming on! I hate when that happens. Steve starts gathering our things and all I want to do is bolt for the door, as everyone begins to look at me to figure out what is wrong. My brother walks me to the car but I notice my mom crying. I can't stand when she cries so I force myself to stop. I ask her why she is crying and of course she says, "I always cry when someone else does" but I know it is because she is upset because of me.

My sister, sister-in-law and mom follow me to the car and begin talking. This gives me time to maintain composure but all I want to do is get in the car and get home to bed. Once I get in the car, Angela asks me what's wrong and I tell her nothing and that I'm fine. I feel the tears again. Steve gets a call from work and is occupied with the call so it gives me time to cry and not feel so guilty. I come home, go to the couch and finally fall asleep. I'm not sure how long I sleep but when I finally wake, I feel better.

Steve, who is always thoughtful, brings me something to eat for supper. However, it doesn't take very long and I start to feel bad again. I stay on the couch all evening.

I finally relent and take another narcotic because I know this night is going to be restless if I don't.....this process is so hard to explain. I started blogging to allow the medicine to kick in before I try to go to bed.

As I'm writing, I'm again reflecting on how thankful that I am to have the Lord's comfort. I know without a doubt that HE is what gets me through. There is no way to explain the peace you feel in the midst of the struggle. I'm so thankful for my family who is there with me when I go through these things. I can see the struggle in their eyes trying to make me feel better and it makes me feel so guilty. I try so hard to manage and cover up the pain but when it comes like this...there is no stopping it. However, I know that with God all things are possible and though my journey has led me down this path, I'm looking forward to many more beautiful sunsets ahead of me. "=)

I always receive some of the most awesome e-mails and love to share them. This is another thought provoking e-mail that I thought you would enjoy.

God Said No

• I asked God to take away my habit. God said, No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
• I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.
• I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No.Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;It isn't granted, it is learned.
• I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No.I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
• I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No.Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares And brings you closer to me.
• I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No.You must grow on your own! , But I will prune you to make you fruitful.
• I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
• I asked God to help me LOVE others, as He loves me. God said..Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

As we know, God can do anything so although these words might say that God says, "no"....we know that HE has the ability to move mountains and make anything happen. However, he acts on our faith and many times HE is blamed for the things we want in our life when HE has already given us the tools/resources we need to make it happen. We just have to take the next step and make it happen!!

• "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world"

"May the Lord Bless you and keep you and give you Peace.....Forever"

Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.

I hope to spend many more wonderful days filled with God's blessings and joys! May you have a wonderful day!

Love to all,

Leah

God is in everything...

Happy Good Friday! This day started off sunny and then it became overcast and started raining. Now, I see the sun trying to pop out again. As soon as the rain stopped, I hear the birds chirping. I love spring! It is so unpredictable but yet beautiful. As I've said before, I think God has a sense of humor with the weather. So many times, our attitude depends on the weather that day. However, God shows how something that seems like a torrential rain in our lives can change to sunshine, if we allow it.

We often times stay in the rain and emphasize what is not going right, rather than focusing on the beauty of the birds or the positive things that are going on around us. Our expectations of what is beautiful (Hollywood) and if our day is sunny is so overrated that we find it is hard when searching for true inner peace. Inner peace does not come from having material things. It does not come from outward beauty but from the beauty inside. God formed us in HIS image. We are at one with ourselves when we try to be more like HIM.

The Bible does not emphasize Christ's beauty but the relationships, healings, and the miracles. We are how God made us to be. We should always try to look and be our best but should not view ourselves as less because it appears that someone has something we do not have. Our teens suffer from depression because the "normal" Joe/Jane no longer exists. We emphasize beauty and talent over most other things. When we aren't up to par, we begin to question ourselves. Ever met someone who you might have felt didn't have the outward beauty but had a knock-out personality and just made you want to be around them?

Some of the most popular guys in school were the guys that made you laugh. The core of who we really are is what is inside and when it is being fed, we are at our happiest. Ever see a couple who look like they have it all but they are both so miserable because they have focused on the wrong things to make them happy.

My sister-in-law sent me the following e-mail this morning and I loved it! It is about when we've done all we can and we let God into our lives, then we are at our strongest. I know I no longer lean on the Lord, I just turned around and sat right down in his hands and said, "here I am Lord....lead and guide me". I've never been so happy.....!!!! :-)

> > > > > A Quilt of Holes> > > >

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us was laid out our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles. An angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that was our life. But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult--the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together threadbare and empty - like binding air. Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up for the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been.

My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes, but I had love in my life, and laughter. And there had been trials of illness and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me. And now I had to face the truth: My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image,the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through! God determines who walks into your life, and it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go. When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Everyone, have a safe and wonderful weekend!

Love to all,

Leah