No matter how sick...I cast my vote!!

So today was an okay day. I didn't feel awesome but I certainly wasn't feeling my worst. I went to bed with plans in my head of voting. I had heard about the lines but knew if I waited until next week, I likely would not be able to vote.

My schedule so far next week:
Tuesday-Go to Emory Spine Center to get my spine epidural
Wednesday-Go to Emory Winship all day for chemo (oh joy...already)
Thursday-Still hooked up to chemo
Friday-Hooked up to chemo for part of the day and then back to Emory to have my chemo bag removed.
Saturday/Sunday/Monday/Tuesday-Usually my really bad days after chemo :-(
So....the week is full of exciting appointments. How I long for the day that I go week after week without an appointment at the hospital. It will happen, I know!!!

The line at the library where Kimberly and I went to vote didn't seem to long. After all, we went at approx. 10 am in the morning so not that many people would be off work to vote, right? Well, wrong. Everyone had the same idea as we did. I thought it would move quickly because by the time people get in line, they have educated themselves on the ballot and it is only a matter of process right? Wrong again. It was unbelievable standing in line listening to people talk about voting.

The lady in front of me looked to be at least in her 60s. She told me she had never voted in her life. What????? You've got to be kidding me. Who would lose their vote? Our freedoms in this country are sadly under appreciated. I asked what brought her out to vote. She said that she had just gotten so aggravated with everything going on that she finally decided to cast her vote.

One of the ladies mentioned that a news channel had broadcast a woman who had stood and waited hours to vote but then got to the booth and still couldn't decide so she turned her ballot back in blank. What???? Exciting stuff out there people.

I repeated several times to the others that were standing around me talking that we should vote with our morals because most everything that has been promised....will not happen. The President really only has veto power. You are better to be concerned with who is in the Senate creating laws. I was amazed that when we went into the library that there were those who did not actually know what was going to be on the ballot. Please if you go....go online and read the referendums. They can be confusing and many were asking what they even meant. This accounted for the longer times. Everyone was asking each other if they knew what they meant. I was thinking to myself...what is worse, no vote or an uneducated/just guess vote??? Oh my....Lord you must take the wheel of the authority of those in office and please give us your knowledge to make the right decisions. We stood for 2 hrs.

I should have eaten something before I went with my medicine. I have to think like a little child. Make sure I take my medicine, make sure there is a bathroom near by in case I get sick, make sure I don't have to walk far, make sure I'm covered since I'm sensitive to cold.....blah, blah, blah.....you know how frustrating that is??? A 39 yr. old baby. Makes me laugh to really think about it. ha. Mom said I should have walked in with one of my masks and I probably could have cleared that place out pretty quickly!! No wait time for us, yeah. I was trying to be big about it and not ask for anything special....so I stood like everyone else.

So......I was able to cast my vote!!! It was the bright spot of my day. I was able to do what I wanted to do.

Now tomorrow, I have to go with Angela to a 1/2 day cardiologist appointment. Bad for her but I'm so glad it is not an appointment for me. She has asthma and has been having a lot of problems with dizziness. Her doctor is sending her to be cautious. I just pray tomorrow is another day that I can get around. You never know with this stuff....it has a mind of its own and you are playing by its rules. I'm just glad I have options. So many don't or didn't and I've been blessed......so many things to say thank you for that I don't want to complain.

I pray everyone reading this has a great day. After all, life is to short to sweat the small things....and I've learned the things I used to worry about....they are really just small in the big scheme of life.

Love to all,
Good Night!
Leah

Okay....let's be frank....

My mom hates when she calls and asks how I am and I say, "I'm fine". She says, "no you are not, why do you always say that?".

The truth is....I'm not fine. Nothing in my world is the same. Everyday I'm in pain. Even on my best days I have pain. It never goes away. There is no way to explain it. As mom stated in an earlier blog, "it is an outta body experience". Unless you go through it, you just can't explain it.

However, there are two answers to how you are doing. You have a physical and mental response. On my roughest days, I wonder to myself how much easier dying has to be and then I quickly remind myself that if it were my time to go, God would have taken me. I mentally work myself through these feelings because I know....going now is not an option. I don't fear it but I'm not ready to go. I have jalot of things left to do so.....for me....this never consumes me....it is a quick response to sudden pain. It is the cheap and easy way out. I have too much invested to think this way. Too much time. left to live....

I choose to mentally be fine. No matter what happens in my day, no matter the pain....I am fine. I will be fine. I will do whatever I have to do to get through this. I have too many people pushing and pulling me along. I have the Lord on my side. What do I fear?

If you ask me if I'm fine based on my physical condition. I'm not fine. My body will never be the same, as told by the Doctors. The Great Physician has not declared it any other way yet and HE is the last say so....so I don't know if I'll always feel this way. I don't think so....

My life used to start in the morning on the interstate fighting traffic for 20 years to go to the same job. My work was stressful but fulfilling and my day usually consisted of meetings, meetings and meetings. Typically the break in our day was lunch and there was always someone ready to go and take a break. After work, as everyone else would do, I would come home to share the remainder of my day with my family.

Now life is sitting at home. The medicine makes it hard to focus. I did read a couple of books this week, which I've not been able to do. This life is not fine. I do not care for it one minute. Everyone says, "sleep, take care of your body, etc. etc."......it is very hard to do. My mind wants to go but my body stays.

I choose to find something good in each day. No matter what my day brings, I'm just thankful that God gives us another one to share. I can be sad tomorrow but today I'm going to live. :-)

I talk to so many who lives seem to be in such turmoil. I say choose to live happy. As the saying goes something like this....The happiest people don't have everything, they just make the best of what they do have. I know how hard it is to find something but believe me, our blessings far outshine our disappointments. If your disappointments outshine your blessings, you are hanging onto things you shouldn't be. Change it, choose to live...happy for goodness sake!!

I don't know where cancer came from and believe me, I will be so happy when it is gone but I choose to be fine. I choose to live life. I choose to find something to smile about. Physically right now, my pain is probably at least a 5 on a scale of 1-10 and that is with pain meds. but mentally my spirit is a 10 on a scale of 1-10.....and frankly that is the way I like it. :-)

My spirit is attributed to the awesome prayers, care, thoughts, love, food, etc. that you all give! You can't even imagine how much it means. I pray that the Lord pours such blessings on your families.

To God be the Glory Always!
Love,
Leah

Went to the spine specialist...

Still do not feel up to blogging but for those that know....I went to the spine specialist today about the extreme pain in my back that I've had 3 weeks out of surgery.

They said I had a herniated disc and that chemo was making it worse. It would get worse before it would get better. Apparently the surgery brought out the pain in the herniated disc....oh joy....I've gone from no pain to pain in everything, it seems at times! :-)

The doctor gave me a prescription, set me up for an epidural and physical therapy. I don't think I have enough good days to do the physical therapy with the chemo right now.

I will have the spinal epidural next week, the day before chemo. I hope it helps. I'm over all the pain.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers! He confirmed again that there is no spread of cancer to my spine....so that is the good news in my day! Praying that tomorrow is a better day.
Love,
Leah

Mother's thoughts.
Leah had a doctor’s appointment today with the Spine doctor.
She is not feeling well …. In fact, this chemo treatment has been much worse than the last. She can be feeling well one minute and the next minute be in tears with the break -out pain that she experiences. The week of chemo is a down week for Leah. She says it is unexplainable on how she feels. She compares it to an out of the body experience….. Many weird side effects keep her down. But she is like a jack in the box—you can only hold the lid down for so long and up she pops!!~~ And then from Sat on she starts mentally gearing herself up for her next treatment on Wednesday.

The last 4 months has been a nightmare to say the least. One of the hardest things is dealing with “THE INDIGNITIES" of this type of cancer. Starting with the colonoscopy, and then major surgery, right into chemo even before her body had time to recover, and then test after test of MRI’s, CAT scans, ultrasounds, four mammograms, biopsies makes her feel like she is the meat and the health care providers are the grinder.
But not one time have I heard her say the words, “why me?” Her statement to me is,” why would I ever say such a thing?”

Friday was not a good day. They had to give her IV fluids and meds just so we could make it back home. I try to be as careful as possible driving, but every turn, stop or bump affects the nausea. You talk about stressful driving!! Such relief I feel when I see that she has drifted off to sleep. I shout hallelujah… thank you Jesus… now just keep her asleep until I can get home. It makes me feel so guilty to know that my driving is contributing to my child’s nausea. No, I am not a horrible driver ..... any way I don’t think that I am.. ha! But have you ever driven on Moreland Drive with a sick person? That is when you start singing to your self,
“ Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands because I can’t do it on my own.!"

Even through her pain and sickness I hear her on the phone many days encouraging other people with their problems. Even at the chemo clinic she stops to check on other patients and give them a word of encouragement.
Even through her sickness Friday she was on the phone checking on her niece who was in the hospital. She worries about her grandma who is going through chemo for breast cancer, and her 90 year old grandfather and her father who isn't well.
Of course, as a mother I want to protect her and keep all of the problems and issues away from her. Are you kidding!!! That doesn’t happen….. you can’t keep anything from Leah. She always has a way of getting it out of you by looking you in the face and asking, “What’s going on?” You can’t lie--- so you have to give in and tell her. She says that dealing with the every day life issues helps her to take the focus off of her pain and sickness.
She let us know early on in her illness that she didn’t want her sickness to be the focus of every day. As much as possible, she wants normalcy to continue in their lives so Angela can enjoy her last year in high school, and for Kimberly to do well in college.

I want to use this forum to say "thank you” to Steve , my wonderful son in law. He has lovingly taken care of Leah since day one. He knows how to make her laugh when she needs her spirits lifted and to comfort and hold her when she cries. He is forever by her side taking care of all her needs and making sure that she recieves proper medical care.….even when he is up all night helping Leah he still goes into work with no sleep and never complains. Leah tells me about the difficult nights and how comforting it is when Steve prays with her.
Leah's sister Lisa ( our oldest daughter) has been an awesome help with all of the medicines, doctors and test appointments that need to be made. Plus, she sits with her on the days that Leah is feeling so bad.
I would also like to thank "YOU"….. Leah's AWESOME SUPPORT GROUP!! YOU ARE THE GREATEST!! So many people have helped in so many ways that I am afraid to start naming names for fear that I would leave someone out. You know who you are ………………….. and I THANK YOU!!
Through your acts of kindness and touches of love you make each day a little brighter!
Your prayers, cards, emails, blog comments, gifts, books, flowers, meals, are the things that help Leah and the family to face another day. I will admit, it is not easy as a mother to see your child sick, and to know that you can't do anything about it, but pray and keep a stiff upper lip.

Leah's attitude and strength through it all are quite amazing. She has such courage and determination to beat the odds! Leah may be down, and hanging on the ropes ….but she is not out for the count… She will get up and continue to fight!!
She has already told her minister , Bro. Johns that she will be the “ come back kid”

We all gain strength from your love and prayers.
Keep the prayers going up, so the blessings will come down!!
We love you all!
Mother

Treatment #5 has gotten me down more than usual...Just pray....I promise I'll be back!

Still not feeling well....

Not feeling well today...will blog later.