Oh my word....it cannot be true!

Angela is graduating tomorrow!! I am officially old! My kids will be in college and on to a new chapter in life. I'm so excited for Angela, however she is not excited. Angela has always been my sensitive and sentimental child who likes to hold onto things. While Kimberly would love the adventure of moving to another state, Angela immediately says, "no!"

We had to go down to the school today to set up a table of picture/accomplishments etc. for the reception after the graduation. The entire time she had her ipod in her ear and paced. All she kept saying was, "I'm not ready yet, I'm not ready yet". I told her that at least she already knows what she is going to do (she is starting medical college June 11th) while many others are still trying to figure it out. It did not comfort her any. Oh to be young again with limitless possibilities.....

Just being gone from 11am. to 5:30 pm. I came into the house so tired. I laid down on the couch and fell asleep for almost 3 hrs. I get tired so easy. However, I did have another bad night with the pain shooting up and down my legs so I didn't sleep much at all. I even took Vicodein and it didn't touch the pain last night. My body must be starting to get used to the pain killers so they aren't as effective. I never thought I would see the day that I would take over 200 mg. of tylenol.

The past few days running around and trying to find things for graduation has put me on my feet more than usual. I've been trying to build up my strength because I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks. I may have to use my lunch break for a power nap until I get my body up to speed. ugh! If I were using pain killers all day I could make it but I'm trying not to do that!

Kimberly is on her break in between semesters from college. She was so excited to have this week as she had planned on swimming and laying out by the pool but it has either rained or too windy. Believe it or not, the water needs to be about 80 degrees before it is comfortable to swim.

I'm sorry that I've not blogged much lately. I've just been busy with Angela's prom, nephew's kindergarten graduation, Awards day at school and now her graduation all within a week's time. After I've been out for awhile, I come home and crash. I've fallen asleep on the couch every day this week early. This is the first night that I've been up this late but I slept all evening and knew that I probably had ruined my night for any real good sleep...... so I'm trying to wear my brain down.

It still feels strange not having much hair. I have the worst time trying to fix it because I'm not used to so little. Last Sunday, I decided not to wear a hat to church and just go with the hair that I had. It sticks up really easy because of the length so I put mousse in it. Steve told me my hair looked like it was stuck to my head....so when we got to church, he got his brush out and started fixing my hair beside the truck in the parking lot. It was so funny because everytime I would see someone pull in, I would start acting like we weren't doing anything. You know it is bad when your husband tries to do your hair for you. :-) I knew that people would do a double-take when they saw me without a hat so I didn't want to look totally ridiculous. I have to hand it to Steve though....he didn't mind at all helping me out....or maybe he didn't want me to embarrass him! ha.

Hope everyone is doing okay. I will get back on track soon. The testing on my liver is coming up in June and I expect everything to be fine. If so, they may be removing the port from my chest in July or August. I have a hard imagining them taking the port out after being there for a year. The cath runs across my chest so it seems like it would have grown into the tissue already there (sorry to be grose). It just seems like it would hurt. They took me into surgery when they inserted it but to remove it the Surgeon is doing it in his office, I'm told. That doesn't make sense to me. I would rather they put me out again.

My testing will continue at 2 month intervals for several years. So, this truly has become a journey....but I'm thankful for prayer, technology, good doctors and all of my support!! It makes my journey much easier to bear. Thank you!
Everyone have a wonderful weekend!
Love to all,
Leah

Beautiful morning but not a fun night....

I feel very tired this morning so this blog will be short. I've been up most of the night with leg pain and my legs jerking. I'm going to have to get some other kind of medicine. Living on pain killers is not good. I put them off until I can't stand it anymore so I finally took pain meds around 3:30 a.m. and it took another hour for them to start working. Steve's alarm was going off as I started to doze.

The past couple of days I've started having nose bleeds again. My eyes have felt like I've gotten soap in them. The chemo affects are so weird. You think they are gone and then they come back for no reason.

As I type this, I again see the sun shining through the room and the birds chirping right outside my window. This always makes my mornings feel so serene and peaceful.

I have so much left to do for Angela's graduation Friday. They also have the Awards Banquet and Kindergarten graduation tomorrow at 1 p.m. so I am going to lay down for another hour and then out the door to get things finished.

I pray that you are having a blessed day!

Love to all,

Leah

Time waits for no man....

I've been reflecting on the fact that this week will be my youngest daughter's High School graduation! It is hard to believe that I will no longer have children in High School but in college. Kimberly (our oldest) is still finishing her pre-dentistry classes and Angela will be attending a Medical College to start her degree.

• Time is more valuable than money because time is irreplaceable!



• One thing you can learn by watching the clock is that it passes time by keeping its hands busy (Proverbs 18:9 says, "He also that is slothful in his work is brother to him that is a great waster)



• If you feel "dog tired" at night, maybe it's because you "growled" all day (Romans 12:18 says, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men").



• What counts is not the number of hours you put in, but how much you put into the hours (Ecclesiastes 9: 10 says, "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with they might....").



• Learn from other's mistakes rather than making them all yourself (The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise, Proverbs 12:15)

Time can be a friend or foe. It is how we use the gift of time, which will determine whether we view time as a gift. We all have the same amount of hours in a day, how do you handle those hours? Have you ever noticed when 2 people are doing the exact same thing with the exact amount of time, how different the responses are? One immediately focuses and gets busy with the task at hand, while the other procrastinates and only has half of the work done? Or they both finish and one appreciates the opportunity while the other whines about how it wasn't their job? One smiles as they go about the task at hand while the other grumbles and tells everyone else about how much they have to do and waste the time given to complete the task and then grows upset because they didn't have enough time to get the job done.

Or take for instance, two children who are asked to clean their room. One is happy to have the time to get it cleaned, while the other finds it a hefty chore and complains how unfair it is that they have more to do than the other......and they are the ones who made the mess!!

Time waits for no one. Notice when you are vacationing that time seems to fly by but at work when you want time to move, it seems to sit still? Or you have alot to do at work and you have to leave earlythat the work seems like a mountain with time flying to fast?

Beauty products used to slow down the age processing of our bodies fly off the shelves. Everyone is looking for a cure to slow down the natural cause of time. Why do we want to look younger? At 40, I'm glad that I do not have the mind of a 20 yr. old, why would I want others to view me as a 20 yr. old? With time comes wisdom and I would rather have wisdom........however, it would be nice to keep the younger looking skin that is aged with time. :-)

It only seems like yesterday that the kids were playing on their swing set, jumping on the trampoline or sleeping with Barney and Baby Bop and singing the, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family with a great big hug and kiss from me to you....." song. The time we invest into our children is the greatest investment of all time. You are preparing them for a future of the next generation. You are preparing them to succeed and one day become parents. Just think if your grandkids were raised exactly how you raised your children, would you be pleased?

I pray that we've instilled values, moral and good character into our children. We've given them the gift of time to the point, that sometimes we don't know what to do with ourselves when our kids are off having fun or at college. I think as parents, we all tend to do this.

Speaking of kids, Angela went to her prom this past Friday. She looked absolutely beautiful in her baby pink dress. It is hard to think that is the last prom that I'll be running around shopping for dresses, flowers, etc. She has a good head on her shoulders and is a hard worker so I know she will do well. She has a great big heart for others, as evidenced by her time she spends at a free medical clinic as a volunteer for the past 2 years. She always thought she wanted to go into nursing and having this experience has made her dream become reality.

As for me personally, I'm still struggling with pain in my legs. I do not sleep well at nights but can't keep my eyes open during the day. I've slept alot lately because I just feel so tired all the time. The neuropathy in my hands and feet have gotten better. I still freeze all the time but I hope that starts to go away. I drive my family crazy with the heat during the summer. However, when I get cold, it just causes me to have more body aches. I try to be thoughtful and just pile on more clothes and blankets but sometimes I don't feel I'll ever get warm.

Yesterday the sermon at church was awesome!! We always have good services! I'm so thankful and greatful for a wonderful church to attend, wonderful church family and all my family and friends. Attending church is always worth my time. I always leave uplifted and encouraged! "-)

May today find you as sunny as the weather outside. It looks so beautiful with the sun peeping through my windows and the birds chirping.

Just remember before you start to grumble and complain, that you are wasting the gift God gave to each of us.......time.

I think I've rambled enough. Please have a wonderful day!

Love to all,

Leah

Hello, I'm baaaacccckkk!!

Well, it was great to hear from those of you who actually missed me. It wasn't intentional to go on a blog vacation. My computer hasn't allowed me into the application and our family also was able to fulfill my 90 yr. old grandpa's dream.

So let me start off by saying, I'm going back to work in 3 weeks. I can't hardly believe it. I've wanted normal for so long but now, I'm a little worried about it. I think I'm getting the first day back at school jitters. My first thought is how far behind I'm going to be and can I fill the shoes of the person who filled the shoes while I was gone? Silly stuff that I used to tell others not to worry about...well, stupid me...it crosses my mind. Secondly, I wonder how I'm going to hold up going into work day in and day out. I still get very tired from being out for a few hours...and I know that it usually takes a year or so to really get your energy back so I'm trying not to stress to much about that. I'll work my hardest but do what I know that I can do.

Secondly, some of you know that we had a surprise birthday party for my grandpa's 90th birthday last year. I asked him what was one thing he had always dreamed of but never got to do. He said every since he was a little boy, he had always wanted to go see the Redwoods in California. We had a money tree at his party and I started making plans. His birthday is in June so I, always trying to be pro-active made our flight plans, hotel and car rentals for 8 people. Well, after the plans were made in June.....I was told I had the Big "C" word in July of 08. After my diagnosis, my grandpa said that he would wait until I could go. Others offered to take him and I strongly encouraged him to take them up on his offer but he was adament....he would not go until I was able to go.

I was able to call and get our tickets held for a year because of my medical condition but after a year they would expire with no refund. I started making the plans back in March knowing I still had chemo and testing and based on those things might make or break this trip. Well, as you know I got the good news at the end of April and I had set our vacation May 2nd.

I asked my oncologist about traveling with all the sickness, etc. and he said, be very careful but there were not any restrictions on me to take a pleasure trip. So, we had to get a couple of wheelchairs for my grandpa and dad and off we flew.

It was the most I had moved in almost a year. We flew into San Francisco and stayed for a couple of days and then drove to Fresno, which is a great stopping place to visit Yosemite Park and Kings Canyon State Park and then back to San Francisco for a couple of days to rest for our trip back.

I must say it was the most beautiful, breath-taking trip I've ever taken in my life. Yosemite Park was absolutely amazing. The redwoods at Kings Canyon were another moment of wonder. Grandpa got tears in his eyes just looking at these trees. There is not a picture that you could ever take to show the grandeur and magnificant show of these trees. It is something everyone should experience. We saw so many but we saw General Grant, the 2nd largest structure in the world I think and the Giant Grizzly. These trees had limbs bigger or as big as the largest trees. They stood so high that you had to bend your head all the way back just to see the tops of these trees. Some of the limbs were 5 ft. wide. It looked like trees pushed into the side of another tree, the limbs were so large!

The trips over to Fresno was groves and groves of grapes, Pistachio and Almond trees, strawberries, cherries, garlic, artichokes, orange trees and sometimes I wasn't sure what was being planted. At one of the farms, we couldn't tell if they were grapefruits or lemons. We stopped at several of the fruit stands and had the most delicious fruit. The strawberries were huge and were very sweet compared to any we get around here. We passed dairy farms with hundreds of cattle....and then you would pass those most beautiful rolling hills with the sun sparkling over a large lake in between seeing all the farming....you didn't want to close your eyes because you would miss something.

In San Francisco, we did all the touristy type of things....visiting the Golden Gate and Bay City Bridges, drove down the crookedest street, shopped in China Town, went to Ghiradelli square, watched all the sea lions on the wharf, ate at Boudin Bakery, shopped and dined at Fisherman's Wharf, drove over to Sausilito, was at AT & T Park, was 2 exits away from Candlestick but didn't have time to visit except to take pictures as we passed by, rode the trolley up Hyde street, rode the public trolley to Union Square and took a boat tour to "The Rock" Alcatrez.

I had to buy a coat in San Francisco because it was cold and very very cold to me. I wore a coat, sweat jacket, extra shirts, etc. the whole time we were there. However, it was in the 80s when we got to Fresno. Everyone tells us that San Francisco Bay is always cold like that. Grandpa, dad and mom ended up buying a coat too!

I must admit the only way I was able to hang with the big dogs on this trip was constantly taking pain medication. As soon as I got home, I stopped taking it and every bone in my body ached so badly that it has taken me several days to re-coup. I find myself finally getting up at night and taking something because when you lay down it gets worse. The past couple of nights have been worse than normal.

This is why it worries me a little bit about going back to work...I worry that I will be able to keep up but I have to try....

The past few days I've heard and read more stories about other's who had cancer and was given a NED (no evidence of disease) diagnosis cancer coming back worse than when they first got it. I wouldn't normally put any thought into those things knowing I have the promise of the Lord and honestly, I don't feel that is going to happen but....it does make me think....what makes me better than anyone else? Why would my cancer be gone but others die from a reoccurence. I guess it is normal to think these things?? I saw where Farah Fawcett is having her last days being filmed so others can really see what you go through with cancer. It is an unsettling feeling that I've not had before. I think when I go back and have my liver tested again in June, I will feel better. Although the doctors say they think it may be an enlarged blood vessel, it had not shown up in any prior tests. Cancer traveling to your liver is the last thing I would want....

I always remind myself that it is normal sometimes to think about these things but not to dwell and know that this battle is not mine but the Lord's. There is nothing that I can personally do to change things but that is when miracles happen...is when we, as flesh cannot do anymore and we turn it over to HIM.

I always remember that I need to tell my storm how big my God is rather than telling God how big my storm is.

The days have been so beautiful outside. Angela's prom or Jr/Sr. Dinner as we call it is this Friday so I hope it doesn't rain. Next week is my nephew's Kindergarten Graduation and then next Friday, the 22nd is her graduation. My last child graduating from High School. Where does the time go?? Starting the 2nd week of June, I will have 2 in college....ugh, see why I have to make this work thing work?? ha. I love my work friends and love to contribute so I know I'll be glad to go back...it is the anticipation.

Well, that is alot said, huh? For those of you who've been wondering, asking and waiting....hopefully I've made up for some lost time. I hope all of you are doing well. I've missed the interaction. Steve, my wonderful husband spent his evening getting me back on and rolling.....
Have a great day or night, whenever you might read this!
Love to all,
Leah

It is a journey....not a destination.

Thank you for all the kind and encouraging comments on the recent results from my testing!! I'm so excited that God chose to keep me in this world and so thankful for everyone who has supported us through this journey.

Our journey in life doesn't end when the current situation or circumstance ends. The path is never ending and leads you to other crossroads in life, small and great and good and bad. Therefore, I will continue to blog because my journey in this world is not over (Thank the Lord)!

At times, the place in our journey looks like this picture. It has a cloud cover and is not very clear. How do we determine our next steps? We all have a measure of faith so how do we use it?
You might say to yourself, I don't believe in all that...therefore I do not live by faith but we do...

Some examples would be, (ie. When you dine out, you do it with faith that you are not going to get food poisoning, or when you sit on a chair, you have faith that the strength of the chair will hold you up, you have faith that winter will eventually turn into spring so on and so forth). We all have a measure of faith but how is it used?

Do we just assume in our journey that no matter what we do, what is going to happen will just happen? If you want to have a party, you don't just think on it and it happens. You must put the time and effort into making it happen or otherwise it is only an idea in your head.

If we use faith the way we were created to, we would see wonderful things happen in our lives everyday. Don't just pray that you pass a test, study and pray that you receive an "A". If you are in a difficult marriage, pray that God gives you guidance to make things better, if you are having financial problems, pray that you get a raise/promotion/2nd job but just pray with faith and follow the leading of the Lord. He doesn't come down and yell in your ear, many times we are just impressed in our spirit on how we should be viewing the current situation. Many times, the answers are right in front of us.

I want my journey to always be filled and fulfilled with the right amount of faith, hard work and guidance from the Lord. Within this, true happiness and peace is found!

Update on me: I'm officially returning to work in June. I was so happy to talk to my boss yesterday. I look forward to seeing everyone at work again. I have really missed them! I'm not looking forward to the long drives everyday though.

I've not been able to sleep the past few nights with the pain in my legs. I finally took another Vicodein and it wasn't very long and they were hurting again so I got up and took another in the night. I still didn't sleep very well. This morning I feel nauseated, I think it was too much and I took them too close together.

Other than trying to build up my strength, I'm trying to get things done for Angela's prom, graduation, etc. Man, where does time go??

Speaking of time, I have alot to do today. I have an appt. at Angela's college today so I must journey on...
Whatever you do today, do it with joy in your heart!
Love to all,
Leah

The test results show.......

NED, NED, NED!!! Yes, you heard right....No evidence of disease! They will not say that I'm cancer free but right now, there is no evidence. They did point out a spot on my liver that wasn't there before and will re-test it in 2 mos. but they don't think it is cancer either!! Praise the LORD!!!

Honestly, I started having complications last week that mirrored what I was having when the tumor was found. It caused alarm and so my Oncologist immediately set me up for a colonscopy today, that was not originally planned. As I got so sick, I told Steve, "I'm just sick of all of this"....so I went into to the hospital today just over it! I told God again last night, "Okay God, I only have a plan A and that is that I no longer have cancer....I'm standing on YOUR promises".

They were delayed as usual getting me in and back for the surgery but the staff are always so friendly. The doctor gave me pictures of my colon and you could actually see the sutures from my surgery last year (a foot of my colon was removed in July). The colon pictures looked like they came out of a medical book. If there is such a thing as a colon being pretty, well...it looked pretty good to me especially when they told me that they couldn't find anything and can't explain all the bleeding that I was having. I just think that God took care of that too!

My Oncologist started off the visit with talking about the spot on my liver, so at first I was alarmed. I finally asked him how concerned I needed to be since he was not offering this information. He said, "low" but they were going to monitor it closely just to confirm. I then asked if they would re-stage my cancer. He said, "once a 3, always a 3 unless it gets worse and then it would be terminal". The Oncologist looked at me funny for asking that question and Steve replied that I was looking for a promotion. I wanted to move to a better stage since now there is no evidence of any cancer. Right, it makes since to me.....

I must say that I didn't quite grasp how good the news was because I felt that I had to keep pulling it out of my doctor but by the time we walked to get my car....I just started feeling like my life was changing again....very hard to explain. A burden had been lifted and now I could breathe.

Since I had not eaten, Steve asked what I would like for lunch. The first thing I thought of was hot wings. It is one of my all time favorites! He and I went to Taco Mac and I told Steve they were the best hot wings I had in a long time. Steve said his was much better than normal. I'm not sure if they were that good or we were that relieved that a rubber tire would have tasted like a ribeye! ha.

I came home and immediately fell asleep, as I had not slept all night from being sick. I woke up and all I could think about was ice cream. I've not been able to have ice cream for about a year. I fell back to sleep and I woke up to hear the dogs barking and lo and behold, my husband who spoils me way to much was walking in with ice cream. Again, savoring something that was so painful before....was just heaven! :-)

Steve then started his teasing....now that you aren't dying, dip me some ice cream. ha. He said, I'm not being nice to you anymore, you are on your own! Love him....

The oncologist did give me something for nerve pain and aches so I'm hoping that this will give me better night's rest. I really need to get revved up to go back to work. They are going to release me to return to work full time in June! I had been trying to exercise everyday but my legs and ankles were so painful that I was unable to do it very long. So now I look forward to getting myself back into normal functioning day.

Anglea is graduating from High School, has prom coming up, a Senior Luncheon and then we have Awards night and my nephew's Kindergarten graduation. May is going to be a busy month but it will get me out most days and then will help me build up my stamina.

I've tried my best to reach as many people as possible so if this is the first you are hearing it, I'm sorry. I'm trying every forum possible to let everyone know because I know there have been so many people praying. Mom sent out texts and e-mails to I don't know all who....so you might see this again and again but when God does a great work, I want to make sure EVERYONE knows....

Last year, it could have been over in 3-6 months and today I've been given back my LIFE! Thanks to all of you.......as I always say, words are inadequate to express the appreciation and gratitude but God is the giver of the blessings so I know that HE will take care of you, just like HE has taken care of me.

I'm signing off to spend time with my family.

Love to all,

Leah

I know I'm rambling but I'm just so HAPPY!!!!

Another test this morning!

I'll be headed to Emory in a couple of hours for yet another test! Not everyone gets sick in the preparation for these tests. Somehow I always manage to get sick. I ended up throwing up and being nauseous all evening and night. I had to wake myself back up this morning to take more of the medicine that is going to help with this test today. YUCK, I feel horrible!!

I wish the tests were this easy:

• Has family-check
• Has friends-check
• Has a heart-check
• Appreciation and compassion for others-check
• Brain-been gone awhile but hopes to be back soon
• Will to fight this to the end-check
• Faith that this will be a Victory-check

Testing is over-you will again be normal!!

If the tests were only this easy-I could ace them all!! :-) We will be down at Emory most of the day. I check into surgery at 7:30 a.m. and the testing begins at 8:30 a.m. Recovery and an appt. with my Oncologist later in the day makes me know that this is going to be another long day. I've not gotten any sleep so I look forward to when they knock me out. Now if I could just bring some of that "stuff" home with me when I'm so restless and can't sleep at night.

When I was going through chemo, I actually enjoyed being able to lay down and sleep. Now I'm back to my all night restless nights. One of the primary reasons is the shooting pain you have in your legs. My grandma, who just went through chemo/radiation has the exact same thing. The doctors said it is nerve pain created by the chemo. Interestingly enough, it hurts all day long but becomes unbelievable painful when you lay down. We haven't figured out why that is but something about trying to keep your legs still, just make them hurt worse. :-)

I'm going to ask the doctor today why it seems I'm getting more and more cold-blooded. On a bright sunny day when everyone else is roasting, I'm freezing. I could wear boots and a sweater everyday of the week and probably would still feel cold.

Yesterday, I had a shirt and sweatshirt on around the house and was still cold. Steve and Kimberly said they were sweating. Steve said it was 77 degrees in the house and I was still covering up on the couch with all my clothes on. Mom mentioned it could be that my blood is low. I'm sure it is something very simple but I just need to see if there is something that I can do because it is miserable being so cold all the time. We get in the car and the slightest bit of air coming out of the vent makes me feel like I'm in a deep freezer!

I'll find out today hopefully when I can return full time to work. I'm a little bit worried since I've been gone for so long that I will be so far behind, that I will be a liability. I'll just have to work that out with my co-workers.

Ugh, I wish I didn't have to take more pills this morning. I feel sick and then to think I have at least an hour on the road. YUCK!! I've learned the hard way, when you think that you can't handle another thing or what you have seems so overwhelming, just remember things really can get worse.....there are so many in much worse shape than we are. We have alot to be thankful for!

I'm thankful that I have a husband that goes with me to every hospital visit and cares for me when I'm sick. As soon as I started getting sick last night, he was right by my side offering a warm towel and cleaning up after me. I don't know what I do without him. No matter how difficult for me, I think this has all been much worse for my family. I'm just blessed to have all of them. It is the small things that we expect that really is a blessing...not everyone has their family close to them or is close enough with their family to have their assistance.

As always, thank you for your prayer and support. Hopefully we will have results today from all the testing I did last week. Please pray that I don't have to have anymore tests right now. They make me so sick!! God is good all the time, all the time God is good!! I thank him for everything.

Love to all,

Leah