Hello, I'm baaaacccckkk!!

Well, it was great to hear from those of you who actually missed me. It wasn't intentional to go on a blog vacation. My computer hasn't allowed me into the application and our family also was able to fulfill my 90 yr. old grandpa's dream.

So let me start off by saying, I'm going back to work in 3 weeks. I can't hardly believe it. I've wanted normal for so long but now, I'm a little worried about it. I think I'm getting the first day back at school jitters. My first thought is how far behind I'm going to be and can I fill the shoes of the person who filled the shoes while I was gone? Silly stuff that I used to tell others not to worry about...well, stupid me...it crosses my mind. Secondly, I wonder how I'm going to hold up going into work day in and day out. I still get very tired from being out for a few hours...and I know that it usually takes a year or so to really get your energy back so I'm trying not to stress to much about that. I'll work my hardest but do what I know that I can do.

Secondly, some of you know that we had a surprise birthday party for my grandpa's 90th birthday last year. I asked him what was one thing he had always dreamed of but never got to do. He said every since he was a little boy, he had always wanted to go see the Redwoods in California. We had a money tree at his party and I started making plans. His birthday is in June so I, always trying to be pro-active made our flight plans, hotel and car rentals for 8 people. Well, after the plans were made in June.....I was told I had the Big "C" word in July of 08. After my diagnosis, my grandpa said that he would wait until I could go. Others offered to take him and I strongly encouraged him to take them up on his offer but he was adament....he would not go until I was able to go.

I was able to call and get our tickets held for a year because of my medical condition but after a year they would expire with no refund. I started making the plans back in March knowing I still had chemo and testing and based on those things might make or break this trip. Well, as you know I got the good news at the end of April and I had set our vacation May 2nd.

I asked my oncologist about traveling with all the sickness, etc. and he said, be very careful but there were not any restrictions on me to take a pleasure trip. So, we had to get a couple of wheelchairs for my grandpa and dad and off we flew.

It was the most I had moved in almost a year. We flew into San Francisco and stayed for a couple of days and then drove to Fresno, which is a great stopping place to visit Yosemite Park and Kings Canyon State Park and then back to San Francisco for a couple of days to rest for our trip back.

I must say it was the most beautiful, breath-taking trip I've ever taken in my life. Yosemite Park was absolutely amazing. The redwoods at Kings Canyon were another moment of wonder. Grandpa got tears in his eyes just looking at these trees. There is not a picture that you could ever take to show the grandeur and magnificant show of these trees. It is something everyone should experience. We saw so many but we saw General Grant, the 2nd largest structure in the world I think and the Giant Grizzly. These trees had limbs bigger or as big as the largest trees. They stood so high that you had to bend your head all the way back just to see the tops of these trees. Some of the limbs were 5 ft. wide. It looked like trees pushed into the side of another tree, the limbs were so large!

The trips over to Fresno was groves and groves of grapes, Pistachio and Almond trees, strawberries, cherries, garlic, artichokes, orange trees and sometimes I wasn't sure what was being planted. At one of the farms, we couldn't tell if they were grapefruits or lemons. We stopped at several of the fruit stands and had the most delicious fruit. The strawberries were huge and were very sweet compared to any we get around here. We passed dairy farms with hundreds of cattle....and then you would pass those most beautiful rolling hills with the sun sparkling over a large lake in between seeing all the farming....you didn't want to close your eyes because you would miss something.

In San Francisco, we did all the touristy type of things....visiting the Golden Gate and Bay City Bridges, drove down the crookedest street, shopped in China Town, went to Ghiradelli square, watched all the sea lions on the wharf, ate at Boudin Bakery, shopped and dined at Fisherman's Wharf, drove over to Sausilito, was at AT & T Park, was 2 exits away from Candlestick but didn't have time to visit except to take pictures as we passed by, rode the trolley up Hyde street, rode the public trolley to Union Square and took a boat tour to "The Rock" Alcatrez.

I had to buy a coat in San Francisco because it was cold and very very cold to me. I wore a coat, sweat jacket, extra shirts, etc. the whole time we were there. However, it was in the 80s when we got to Fresno. Everyone tells us that San Francisco Bay is always cold like that. Grandpa, dad and mom ended up buying a coat too!

I must admit the only way I was able to hang with the big dogs on this trip was constantly taking pain medication. As soon as I got home, I stopped taking it and every bone in my body ached so badly that it has taken me several days to re-coup. I find myself finally getting up at night and taking something because when you lay down it gets worse. The past couple of nights have been worse than normal.

This is why it worries me a little bit about going back to work...I worry that I will be able to keep up but I have to try....

The past few days I've heard and read more stories about other's who had cancer and was given a NED (no evidence of disease) diagnosis cancer coming back worse than when they first got it. I wouldn't normally put any thought into those things knowing I have the promise of the Lord and honestly, I don't feel that is going to happen but....it does make me think....what makes me better than anyone else? Why would my cancer be gone but others die from a reoccurence. I guess it is normal to think these things?? I saw where Farah Fawcett is having her last days being filmed so others can really see what you go through with cancer. It is an unsettling feeling that I've not had before. I think when I go back and have my liver tested again in June, I will feel better. Although the doctors say they think it may be an enlarged blood vessel, it had not shown up in any prior tests. Cancer traveling to your liver is the last thing I would want....

I always remind myself that it is normal sometimes to think about these things but not to dwell and know that this battle is not mine but the Lord's. There is nothing that I can personally do to change things but that is when miracles happen...is when we, as flesh cannot do anymore and we turn it over to HIM.

I always remember that I need to tell my storm how big my God is rather than telling God how big my storm is.

The days have been so beautiful outside. Angela's prom or Jr/Sr. Dinner as we call it is this Friday so I hope it doesn't rain. Next week is my nephew's Kindergarten Graduation and then next Friday, the 22nd is her graduation. My last child graduating from High School. Where does the time go?? Starting the 2nd week of June, I will have 2 in college....ugh, see why I have to make this work thing work?? ha. I love my work friends and love to contribute so I know I'll be glad to go back...it is the anticipation.

Well, that is alot said, huh? For those of you who've been wondering, asking and waiting....hopefully I've made up for some lost time. I hope all of you are doing well. I've missed the interaction. Steve, my wonderful husband spent his evening getting me back on and rolling.....
Have a great day or night, whenever you might read this!
Love to all,
Leah

It is a journey....not a destination.

Thank you for all the kind and encouraging comments on the recent results from my testing!! I'm so excited that God chose to keep me in this world and so thankful for everyone who has supported us through this journey.

Our journey in life doesn't end when the current situation or circumstance ends. The path is never ending and leads you to other crossroads in life, small and great and good and bad. Therefore, I will continue to blog because my journey in this world is not over (Thank the Lord)!

At times, the place in our journey looks like this picture. It has a cloud cover and is not very clear. How do we determine our next steps? We all have a measure of faith so how do we use it?
You might say to yourself, I don't believe in all that...therefore I do not live by faith but we do...

Some examples would be, (ie. When you dine out, you do it with faith that you are not going to get food poisoning, or when you sit on a chair, you have faith that the strength of the chair will hold you up, you have faith that winter will eventually turn into spring so on and so forth). We all have a measure of faith but how is it used?

Do we just assume in our journey that no matter what we do, what is going to happen will just happen? If you want to have a party, you don't just think on it and it happens. You must put the time and effort into making it happen or otherwise it is only an idea in your head.

If we use faith the way we were created to, we would see wonderful things happen in our lives everyday. Don't just pray that you pass a test, study and pray that you receive an "A". If you are in a difficult marriage, pray that God gives you guidance to make things better, if you are having financial problems, pray that you get a raise/promotion/2nd job but just pray with faith and follow the leading of the Lord. He doesn't come down and yell in your ear, many times we are just impressed in our spirit on how we should be viewing the current situation. Many times, the answers are right in front of us.

I want my journey to always be filled and fulfilled with the right amount of faith, hard work and guidance from the Lord. Within this, true happiness and peace is found!

Update on me: I'm officially returning to work in June. I was so happy to talk to my boss yesterday. I look forward to seeing everyone at work again. I have really missed them! I'm not looking forward to the long drives everyday though.

I've not been able to sleep the past few nights with the pain in my legs. I finally took another Vicodein and it wasn't very long and they were hurting again so I got up and took another in the night. I still didn't sleep very well. This morning I feel nauseated, I think it was too much and I took them too close together.

Other than trying to build up my strength, I'm trying to get things done for Angela's prom, graduation, etc. Man, where does time go??

Speaking of time, I have alot to do today. I have an appt. at Angela's college today so I must journey on...
Whatever you do today, do it with joy in your heart!
Love to all,
Leah

The test results show.......

NED, NED, NED!!! Yes, you heard right....No evidence of disease! They will not say that I'm cancer free but right now, there is no evidence. They did point out a spot on my liver that wasn't there before and will re-test it in 2 mos. but they don't think it is cancer either!! Praise the LORD!!!

Honestly, I started having complications last week that mirrored what I was having when the tumor was found. It caused alarm and so my Oncologist immediately set me up for a colonscopy today, that was not originally planned. As I got so sick, I told Steve, "I'm just sick of all of this"....so I went into to the hospital today just over it! I told God again last night, "Okay God, I only have a plan A and that is that I no longer have cancer....I'm standing on YOUR promises".

They were delayed as usual getting me in and back for the surgery but the staff are always so friendly. The doctor gave me pictures of my colon and you could actually see the sutures from my surgery last year (a foot of my colon was removed in July). The colon pictures looked like they came out of a medical book. If there is such a thing as a colon being pretty, well...it looked pretty good to me especially when they told me that they couldn't find anything and can't explain all the bleeding that I was having. I just think that God took care of that too!

My Oncologist started off the visit with talking about the spot on my liver, so at first I was alarmed. I finally asked him how concerned I needed to be since he was not offering this information. He said, "low" but they were going to monitor it closely just to confirm. I then asked if they would re-stage my cancer. He said, "once a 3, always a 3 unless it gets worse and then it would be terminal". The Oncologist looked at me funny for asking that question and Steve replied that I was looking for a promotion. I wanted to move to a better stage since now there is no evidence of any cancer. Right, it makes since to me.....

I must say that I didn't quite grasp how good the news was because I felt that I had to keep pulling it out of my doctor but by the time we walked to get my car....I just started feeling like my life was changing again....very hard to explain. A burden had been lifted and now I could breathe.

Since I had not eaten, Steve asked what I would like for lunch. The first thing I thought of was hot wings. It is one of my all time favorites! He and I went to Taco Mac and I told Steve they were the best hot wings I had in a long time. Steve said his was much better than normal. I'm not sure if they were that good or we were that relieved that a rubber tire would have tasted like a ribeye! ha.

I came home and immediately fell asleep, as I had not slept all night from being sick. I woke up and all I could think about was ice cream. I've not been able to have ice cream for about a year. I fell back to sleep and I woke up to hear the dogs barking and lo and behold, my husband who spoils me way to much was walking in with ice cream. Again, savoring something that was so painful before....was just heaven! :-)

Steve then started his teasing....now that you aren't dying, dip me some ice cream. ha. He said, I'm not being nice to you anymore, you are on your own! Love him....

The oncologist did give me something for nerve pain and aches so I'm hoping that this will give me better night's rest. I really need to get revved up to go back to work. They are going to release me to return to work full time in June! I had been trying to exercise everyday but my legs and ankles were so painful that I was unable to do it very long. So now I look forward to getting myself back into normal functioning day.

Anglea is graduating from High School, has prom coming up, a Senior Luncheon and then we have Awards night and my nephew's Kindergarten graduation. May is going to be a busy month but it will get me out most days and then will help me build up my stamina.

I've tried my best to reach as many people as possible so if this is the first you are hearing it, I'm sorry. I'm trying every forum possible to let everyone know because I know there have been so many people praying. Mom sent out texts and e-mails to I don't know all who....so you might see this again and again but when God does a great work, I want to make sure EVERYONE knows....

Last year, it could have been over in 3-6 months and today I've been given back my LIFE! Thanks to all of you.......as I always say, words are inadequate to express the appreciation and gratitude but God is the giver of the blessings so I know that HE will take care of you, just like HE has taken care of me.

I'm signing off to spend time with my family.

Love to all,

Leah

I know I'm rambling but I'm just so HAPPY!!!!

Another test this morning!

I'll be headed to Emory in a couple of hours for yet another test! Not everyone gets sick in the preparation for these tests. Somehow I always manage to get sick. I ended up throwing up and being nauseous all evening and night. I had to wake myself back up this morning to take more of the medicine that is going to help with this test today. YUCK, I feel horrible!!

I wish the tests were this easy:

• Has family-check
• Has friends-check
• Has a heart-check
• Appreciation and compassion for others-check
• Brain-been gone awhile but hopes to be back soon
• Will to fight this to the end-check
• Faith that this will be a Victory-check

Testing is over-you will again be normal!!

If the tests were only this easy-I could ace them all!! :-) We will be down at Emory most of the day. I check into surgery at 7:30 a.m. and the testing begins at 8:30 a.m. Recovery and an appt. with my Oncologist later in the day makes me know that this is going to be another long day. I've not gotten any sleep so I look forward to when they knock me out. Now if I could just bring some of that "stuff" home with me when I'm so restless and can't sleep at night.

When I was going through chemo, I actually enjoyed being able to lay down and sleep. Now I'm back to my all night restless nights. One of the primary reasons is the shooting pain you have in your legs. My grandma, who just went through chemo/radiation has the exact same thing. The doctors said it is nerve pain created by the chemo. Interestingly enough, it hurts all day long but becomes unbelievable painful when you lay down. We haven't figured out why that is but something about trying to keep your legs still, just make them hurt worse. :-)

I'm going to ask the doctor today why it seems I'm getting more and more cold-blooded. On a bright sunny day when everyone else is roasting, I'm freezing. I could wear boots and a sweater everyday of the week and probably would still feel cold.

Yesterday, I had a shirt and sweatshirt on around the house and was still cold. Steve and Kimberly said they were sweating. Steve said it was 77 degrees in the house and I was still covering up on the couch with all my clothes on. Mom mentioned it could be that my blood is low. I'm sure it is something very simple but I just need to see if there is something that I can do because it is miserable being so cold all the time. We get in the car and the slightest bit of air coming out of the vent makes me feel like I'm in a deep freezer!

I'll find out today hopefully when I can return full time to work. I'm a little bit worried since I've been gone for so long that I will be so far behind, that I will be a liability. I'll just have to work that out with my co-workers.

Ugh, I wish I didn't have to take more pills this morning. I feel sick and then to think I have at least an hour on the road. YUCK!! I've learned the hard way, when you think that you can't handle another thing or what you have seems so overwhelming, just remember things really can get worse.....there are so many in much worse shape than we are. We have alot to be thankful for!

I'm thankful that I have a husband that goes with me to every hospital visit and cares for me when I'm sick. As soon as I started getting sick last night, he was right by my side offering a warm towel and cleaning up after me. I don't know what I do without him. No matter how difficult for me, I think this has all been much worse for my family. I'm just blessed to have all of them. It is the small things that we expect that really is a blessing...not everyone has their family close to them or is close enough with their family to have their assistance.

As always, thank you for your prayer and support. Hopefully we will have results today from all the testing I did last week. Please pray that I don't have to have anymore tests right now. They make me so sick!! God is good all the time, all the time God is good!! I thank him for everything.

Love to all,

Leah

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death!

• The greatest possession you have is the 24 hours directly in front of you. "For there is a time there for every purpose and for every work". Ecclesiastes 3:17



• Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain. "Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." Deuteronomy 31:6



• True faith and courage are like a kite-an opposing wind raises it higher."But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31



• When confronted with a Goliath-sized problem, which way do you respond: "He's too big to hit or like David, "He's too big to miss"? "The Lord that delivereth me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of the Philistine." I Samuel 17:37



• Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up. "Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. " Hebrews 12:2



• It is good to remember that the tea kettle, although up to its neck in hot water, continues to sing. Rejoice evermore. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. I Thessalonians 5:16-18



• Some people complain because God put thorns on roses, while others praise Him for putting roses among thorns. "Finally, brethern, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8

Sparrows

Jesus said they are barely worth a penny. "Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. Matthew 10:29

Yet of the world's nine thousand bird species, Jesus singled out the least noticed and most insignificant of birds to make a point.

If God takes time to keep his eyes on every sparrow, -where it is going and whether or not its needs are being met-then surely he must keep tabs on you/me. Intimately. Personally. Every detail in mind.

The Bible points to eagles to underscore courage and power, and speaks of doves as symbols of peace and contentment. However, God uses sparrows to teach a lesson about trust. Just as he tenderly cares for the tiny bird, noting when it falls to the ground...how much more does he care and notice us who are formed in his likeness? The sparrow reminds us that HE is worthy of our trust and our greatest confidence.

Many times we are beaten and broken down by others but we must remember that God walks in when everyone has walked out. We have to invite him because he only comes if we ask him to. Who else do we turn to in our darkest hours when we feel all alone? God has been faithful in my life and I know he taken care of me and my family. I never want to ever lose his mercy and grace because it far extends this world. He is gentle and does not push himself on us. He just opens himself up and gives us a steady hand as we march through the swamps of life. We are one nation under God and whether we want to believe it or not, God has blessed all of us!!

If you are doubting today, remember to "Cast all your cares upon Him, for he cares for you. I Peter 5:7

When things go wrong, don't go wrong with them.

Today has been somewhat of a down day for me again. I think it is mostly from the stuff they had me drink for my tests. It has made me sick but I'll soon be over it. Just giving myself time to recover. Other than that, the day was absolutely gorgeous!

I sure hope you enjoyed your day. Thank you again for the comments. They mean so much.

Love to all,

Leah

P.S. The formatting has been messed up for awhile. I'm not sure why it scrunches everything together. It doesn't look like that in my preview. Oh well, you get the idea of what I'm trying to say....:-)

Wow, what a day!

I'm home from Emory from a very eventful day. Why I would expect anything else?

Check in valet at the Emory Winship Cancer Center, down the elevator to the tunnel to Radiology.
At 7:45 a.m. we get to Radiology to sign in for my CT scans. The first thing they ask is whether I've had any food. Well, yes my doctor told me I could and I knew it was going to be a long day so I ate about half of a Chic-fil-A biscuit (which I normally never do). They tell us that they will need to delay testing. Steve expresses concern that we've had this appt. for over 2 months and that we were told everything would be accessed through my port. There wasn't anything special that I would need to do . I remember being so excited about that....well.....

The Radiology Tech asks about my other tests and takes my information to go and make calls to see if we can get the other tests scheduled earlier. He is able to re-arrange my schedule so I can get all my tests in and allow enough time before having my CT scans. They then set up an IV port.

Back on the elevator to the Emory Breast Center.

I sign in and go through all the necessary paperwork and have another breast exam. They make you wait until they check the x-rays to make sure they are okay. After waiting quite a while, they come back out and realize that they should have taken more x-rays. I then wait again. They finally tell me it is okay to go but I'm not really sure it means everything is okay. Just that they will call if they need me. I'm told I will need tests every 6 months vs. yearly.

Back on the Elevator to the Ambulatory Floor.
We then head down to the lab for blood work. I've never seen so many people in my life. The waiting area set up for lab and chemo infusion is overflowing with people. People are standing against the walls because there is no seating. It looks like a bunch of people gathering for some type of large event. I go to the counter and ask them if this is where I need to be for my lab work. They tell me, "yes" and I look over to the line of people that are signing in and realize, we are going to be here for quite a long time.

Once I finally make it back to the lab, I asked the nurse if they are running specials today because of the number of people. They laughed and said, "2 for 1" today. They went onto say, that it has been like this because more and more people are being diagnosed with cancer. Very sad, I think to myself. Unbelievable, as I note that I'm probably the youngest one in the room again. No age and no background is exempt from this terrible disease.

By the way, as I have journeyed through these other appts., I have been given the "yukky" stuff to drink as I go so I'm ready for my CT scans. Mind you, my doctor told me that I would not have to do this....it would all be put in through my port. As the person in Radiology explains it, they cannot do anything through my port unless it is a power port, otherwise the force of the dye going through will blow out my port. I do not drink all the "stuff" as I'm feeling nauseous and I'm afraid that I will get sick before I make it back down to Radiology.

Back on the elevator to the tunnel to the Radiology Dept.
We finally arrive back in Radiology, sign in and take me right back. The guy who helps hook me up to the IV, looks just like one of the Winans. He sees how messed up my skin is from the tape from the lab and an earlier IV injection so he takes his time and uses an alcohol adhesive. He works to get the IV in and then after all the tests, to take the IV out. I realize that I'm not as anxious or as claustrophic as I was the last time I go through the scanner. I've been through too many tests and therefore, I feel calmer. I even notice that the radioactive dye just sets my body on fire as it courses through my body....when before, the side effects were worse.
Back on the elevator, back to the main floor, out to valet (parking is terrible at Emory, especially when school is in session) and finally leaving Emory....

I was so happy to get out of there today. I felt incredibly tired and all I could think about was going to sleep. I fell asleep on the way home and Steve tells me that I was snoring. I am not a snorer so I'm not sure if I believe him or not but I was really out of it. It is a real emotional drain. I'm not even sure if I had all the tests that I'm supposed to, as it wasn't very well coordinated but I'm sure they'll tell me if not.......

Tonight seems like another lazy couch night to re-energize...praying tomorrow that I will have energy again. I know this is alot of rambling but sometimes I hear others say, "oh, you only have to go through testing, that won't be a big deal"....well, it shouldn't be a big deal but.... it always seems to wipe me out.

Hope everyone had a beautiful day. Although it seemed like we were on the elevator going up and down, floor to floor....all I kept thinking is....this is just a small step to get great reports!!

Love to all,
Good night,
Leah

Well....Wednesday is the day....

My first appt. starts at 8:00 a.m. so we will be leaving at 6:30-6:45 am. to head to Emory. Actually not many hours from now....

We won't get results until next week...there is a possibility that we will know something from the breast ultrasound but everything else will be next week.

I will be so glad to get this over with....Yeah!

Steve is going with me....as much as I want it over....I'm also dreading it!

I cannot wait until I get the awesome results!

Have a wonderful day! Thank you to my faithful friends and my blog comments. They are always encouraging and give me an extra boost when I'm going back to the hospital.

Love to all,
Leah