Feeling much better! Thank you '-)

Today was a much better day. I have another dentist appt. at 9:50 a.m. today and then I will be at Emory all day (Wednesday) for my testing.

I don't look forward to it but I'll be glad to get it behind me. I'll have results and next steps when I meet with my Oncologist on the 22nd.

Thank you for the prayers. Will blog later. Trying to get my brain to slow down so I can go to sleep.

Love to all,
Leah

He arose, we have life; life has lessons....

What a beautiful day we had to worship on Easter! I'm so thankful to know that someone loved me enough to die on the cross for my sins. I'm even more grateful that he rose again so that we may have life ever lasting.

The day started off with Steve and the kids getting their Easter baskets. No one is too old around our house to receive from the Easter bunny.

As for me, I woke up not feeling well at all. In fact, had it not been for Easter, I may have stayed home only because I could tell it was one of those painful days. I wanted the day to be so perfect so I pushed myself to go on anyway.

We had 755 in our service this morning and our church I believe holds around 600 comfortably. With so many people, the air conditioning was cranking and I thought I was going to freeze. In fact, I get so cold that I can hardly focus. Steve gives me his suit jacket and I'm still freezing. Everyone else seems to think it is a little cool but comfortable. For whatever reason, getting that cold with my neuropathy starts making my body ache.

The family gets together after the service and with so many people there, the air conditioning and fans are going and I begin to hurt worse. I finally sit in a recliner and get a blanket and try to stay quiet so I don't ruin anyone else's day. The colder I get, the worse I hurt. My grandma (who has just been told that she is now cancer-free) sees me and gives me another blanket and 1300 mgs. of Tylenol and it doesn't even touch my pain.

When the family gets together, we always celebrate birthdays and anniversaries of those in the family since the last gathering. It just so happens, today is my sister's birthday. We have her party and I feel the pain getting out of control. I try to manage it and before I make it into the next room, it has gone from bad to worse and I feel the tears coming on! I hate when that happens. Steve starts gathering our things and all I want to do is bolt for the door, as everyone begins to look at me to figure out what is wrong. My brother walks me to the car but I notice my mom crying. I can't stand when she cries so I force myself to stop. I ask her why she is crying and of course she says, "I always cry when someone else does" but I know it is because she is upset because of me.

My sister, sister-in-law and mom follow me to the car and begin talking. This gives me time to maintain composure but all I want to do is get in the car and get home to bed. Once I get in the car, Angela asks me what's wrong and I tell her nothing and that I'm fine. I feel the tears again. Steve gets a call from work and is occupied with the call so it gives me time to cry and not feel so guilty. I come home, go to the couch and finally fall asleep. I'm not sure how long I sleep but when I finally wake, I feel better.

Steve, who is always thoughtful, brings me something to eat for supper. However, it doesn't take very long and I start to feel bad again. I stay on the couch all evening.

I finally relent and take another narcotic because I know this night is going to be restless if I don't.....this process is so hard to explain. I started blogging to allow the medicine to kick in before I try to go to bed.

As I'm writing, I'm again reflecting on how thankful that I am to have the Lord's comfort. I know without a doubt that HE is what gets me through. There is no way to explain the peace you feel in the midst of the struggle. I'm so thankful for my family who is there with me when I go through these things. I can see the struggle in their eyes trying to make me feel better and it makes me feel so guilty. I try so hard to manage and cover up the pain but when it comes like this...there is no stopping it. However, I know that with God all things are possible and though my journey has led me down this path, I'm looking forward to many more beautiful sunsets ahead of me. "=)

I always receive some of the most awesome e-mails and love to share them. This is another thought provoking e-mail that I thought you would enjoy.

God Said No

• I asked God to take away my habit. God said, No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
• I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.
• I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No.Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;It isn't granted, it is learned.
• I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No.I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
• I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No.Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares And brings you closer to me.
• I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No.You must grow on your own! , But I will prune you to make you fruitful.
• I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
• I asked God to help me LOVE others, as He loves me. God said..Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

As we know, God can do anything so although these words might say that God says, "no"....we know that HE has the ability to move mountains and make anything happen. However, he acts on our faith and many times HE is blamed for the things we want in our life when HE has already given us the tools/resources we need to make it happen. We just have to take the next step and make it happen!!

• "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world"

"May the Lord Bless you and keep you and give you Peace.....Forever"

Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.

I hope to spend many more wonderful days filled with God's blessings and joys! May you have a wonderful day!

Love to all,

Leah

God is in everything...

Happy Good Friday! This day started off sunny and then it became overcast and started raining. Now, I see the sun trying to pop out again. As soon as the rain stopped, I hear the birds chirping. I love spring! It is so unpredictable but yet beautiful. As I've said before, I think God has a sense of humor with the weather. So many times, our attitude depends on the weather that day. However, God shows how something that seems like a torrential rain in our lives can change to sunshine, if we allow it.

We often times stay in the rain and emphasize what is not going right, rather than focusing on the beauty of the birds or the positive things that are going on around us. Our expectations of what is beautiful (Hollywood) and if our day is sunny is so overrated that we find it is hard when searching for true inner peace. Inner peace does not come from having material things. It does not come from outward beauty but from the beauty inside. God formed us in HIS image. We are at one with ourselves when we try to be more like HIM.

The Bible does not emphasize Christ's beauty but the relationships, healings, and the miracles. We are how God made us to be. We should always try to look and be our best but should not view ourselves as less because it appears that someone has something we do not have. Our teens suffer from depression because the "normal" Joe/Jane no longer exists. We emphasize beauty and talent over most other things. When we aren't up to par, we begin to question ourselves. Ever met someone who you might have felt didn't have the outward beauty but had a knock-out personality and just made you want to be around them?

Some of the most popular guys in school were the guys that made you laugh. The core of who we really are is what is inside and when it is being fed, we are at our happiest. Ever see a couple who look like they have it all but they are both so miserable because they have focused on the wrong things to make them happy.

My sister-in-law sent me the following e-mail this morning and I loved it! It is about when we've done all we can and we let God into our lives, then we are at our strongest. I know I no longer lean on the Lord, I just turned around and sat right down in his hands and said, "here I am Lord....lead and guide me". I've never been so happy.....!!!! :-)

> > > > > A Quilt of Holes> > > >

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us was laid out our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles. An angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that was our life. But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult--the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together threadbare and empty - like binding air. Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up for the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been.

My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes, but I had love in my life, and laughter. And there had been trials of illness and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me. And now I had to face the truth: My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image,the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through! God determines who walks into your life, and it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go. When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Everyone, have a safe and wonderful weekend!

Love to all,

Leah

Can't sleep tonight...

I've been having a hard time getting to sleep. I'm usually too cold and then when I try to warm up, I get to warm. I just can't seem to get comfortable. The more I toss and turn causes body aches. I realized that having body aches still means that I'm alive and kicking so in the end....it is but a minor thing.

The past couple of days have been spent going to the dentist. As I stated in an earlier blog, the chemo actually ate the enamel off several of my teeth. My teeth are so sensitive that they have to numb my mouth just to check it out. I feel like such a baby but my dentist has been wonderful and so understanding. I realize that investing in relationships in life really pay off when you need them.

I never really thought of it as making an investment of time to care about other people but in the end, it is what everyone remembers. It is not about how hard you work, how much money you make....it is how you make the other person feel. I have been so blessed to have so many people care about me and my family through this journey, that finding the right words to express my gratitude always seem to fail me.

My mom tells the story of how I was a miracle baby when I was born because they thought I was stillborn at birth. The first year of my life, they say I was very quiet and to myself....well, anyone who knows me knows that I have made up for it. I love people and love the interaction! Quiet would not be a word to define me..ha.

You cannot choose family but you can choose your friends and I feel very blessed to have so many friends that I wouldn't even want to begin to name them. I have childhood, work and church friends! I wonder sometimes how I would have made it without the awesome family and friends who have carried us through prayer and support. If you are reading this...then you are who I'm talking about! :-)

It was such a beautiful day today. The day before it was snowing and then today, the sun came out and I woke to the sound of birds chirping. Every day I wake up, my first thought is, "Thank you Lord for another day." God has an awesome sense of humor when it comes to the weather sometimes. We think we can do it all and then here comes a tornado and everyone runs for shelter....and the next day, the sun starts peeking out from behind the clouds. It is just a reminder that we don't know what tomorrow holds but it is important that we know who holds tomorrow.

Well, I'm going to try to go to sleep again. I realized today that I'm going for all my official testing next week at Emory........getting closer to that day when I get the awesome news....cancer free!

With that, I think I'll sign off. Please know how much I appreciate you! Have an awesome day!
Love to all,
Leah

Testing 1,2,3.....Testing 1,2,3...

I just realized today that we are in April. All my days tend to run together....

I have testing coming up April 15th....and an appt. with my oncologist on April 22nd to go over my tests! These will be the first tests I've had since my last chemo treatment and will determine next steps. I believe I will not be going back for anymore chemo...however, the doctors will determine any growth (there won't be) and how often I will be returning for testing, if they feel that the cancer is gone (which it is)!!

So I'm closer to having results than what I realized....I'll be glad to get it over but I know that I have 3 scans with contrast, which means I'll be drinking lots of the yukky stuff. It makes me very nauseated but I guess on a scale of having cancer and being tested to insure it is gone..it is but a small price to pay. So, I guess I will get over it. I just need to take Steve along because he has a way of making me do what I'm supposed to do without me getting so upset. He hands me the cup of nasty stuff but then starts pointing out funny things in the room or making jokes as he tips the cup up for me to drink. I'm drinking it before I realize that I've been scammed! ha.

It started off as a beautiful sunny day but we now have cloud cover....which makes me cold. I've not warmed up from church today. Man, I started wondering where the igloos were...it was an ice house. Of course, some felt it was perfect...

Last night we went to the Fox Theatre in Atlanta to watch Happy Days. These were tickets that were in my stocking from Christmas. We, of course had to go to the Varsity first....what is an event without the Varsity?? It was very cold in the theatre and I believe it was the first time that it wasn't packed out. I suppose the economy is affecting sales or maybe it is because it is so cold in there....ha. I'll post some pictures later....because I found my Easter hat at the Varsity!! I'll have to find something red and white to go with it but hey, it was free and fit my head. Those who don't know what the Varsity is...it is the world's largest drive-in and a must go place if you visit Atlanta. It is a great people watching place.

Well, I think I'll go lay down and try to warm up!
As always, thank you for your prayers and support.....you all are amazing, no real words to explain how much.
Love,
Leah

Surprise, Surprise....

Last night my children had a surprise birthday party for me. It was absolutely wonderful, however I was very overwhelmed. Mom wanted me to say something and I felt speechless for one time in my life! ha.

Thank you to everyone for all your labor in making it so special. The food was excellent! We had barbeque chicken and pork with awesome side dishes, which I later found out were made by my sister-in-laws. No wonder it was so good.

Thank you to everyone that came and celebrated. I don't like the attention but I'm so glad that I reached this milestsone. It is another example of God's goodness to me.

Since I've last written, I had my family in from Indiana. I enjoyed them so much. My cousin, who is 3 months older than I am, stayed with me. She, her husband and daughter were great company, however they only stayed 1 1/2 days and it rained the whole time. Today the weather is beautiful....why couldn't we have had a day like this when they were here? Oh well, the rainy weather provided us with lazy days.

My energy is still not up to par. I didn't do anything while I had company but was so exhausted after they left. I find myself taking naps even when I don't mean to. I guess my body is just trying to recover. My fingers, which are killing me now....have not improved nor have my feet, ankles and legs. If I sit for very long, I find it very hard to get up and move my feet. Although the doctor said I may never recover from this, I am believing the opposite. God has gotten me through so much already, this is nothing for HIM to do!

I had several people trying to get me on Facebook. I finally did it and have connected to friends and family I've not seen for 20+ years! It has been very exciting!

I've been in my pjs all day but tonight we are going to the Fox Theatre for a show. These tickets were in my Christmas stocking so it is the gift that keeps on giving. It is for me, Steve, kids and my parents. Steve and I are the only ones that have ever gone to the Fox, so it will be something new for the rest. We are going to meet and have dinner and then onto the Fox. I've had a couple of naps already today so that I can go. Typically, I'm good for a couple of hours and then my energy fades.

It is hard to believe next week is Easter. Where has the time gone? When I was having chemo, time seemed to stop, now that I'm recovering....time seems to fly by.....

As always, thank you for your continued support......this journey has been made so much easier because of your support and thoughtfulness!

Love to all,

Leah

I'm 40 and proud of it!!

Sorry it has been so long since I blogged. The neuropathy in my fingers seem to have gotten worse and typing makes them hurt even more so.....I took a breather for my hands thinking they would get better but I don't think they have so.....I'm going to go on anyway. :-)

I realized that I left many hanging when I said that I would talk about my Surgeon's visit the next time I blogged but then I didn't blog again. Sorry about that, I didn't realize I did that until I had those asking me.

The visit was fine. Basically, I learned what I already knew. The side effects from chemo can get worse after chemo is over and that I was lucky to have almost every side effect listed for the chemotherapy I was on (or is that unlucky). ha. He did mention the close relationship between colon and breast cancer. Breast cancer is what runs in my mother's family through my grandma who died at 47 with breast cancer and all her sisters have either had breast or ovarian cancer. So, I will need to be diligent about my exams but I'm not going to begin to fear these things. He did mention that it might be wise to contact Human Genetics to see if they thought it would be a good idea to test to see if I have the cancer gene that could produce other cancers.

Well, since I last blogged I have had a birthday. Yes the BIG 4-0....I still feel 25 so it is really hard to believe that I'm at this milestone in my life. Normally, I would not have even mentioned my birthday but this year, I'm gladly celebrating another year of blessings. I know I wouldn't have wanted to miss it. The best thing about a birthday is that it is a reminder that you have made it another year. This year I say, "Wahoo" and doing the birthday dance because there were times I wasn't sure I was going to see this day. It was in the back of my mind just thinking that when my birthday rolls around, I will be out of chemo for a month. It always gave me a mile marker in my mind to keep moving.

I have family coming in from Indiana tonight. Two sets of my aunts and uncles, my cousins and their children. They are stopping in on their way back from Ft. Lauderdale from my cousin's wedding last Saturday (my birthday). I was unable to make that long of trip so I'm very sorry that I missed the wedding. They had a beach wedding with a violinist. Mom said it was beautiful. UGH...if it could have been a month later...oh well, hopefully they will have alot of pictures to share.

Well, I'm going to go. I have a dentist appt. today. The chemo seems to have started eating the enamel away on my teeth....that is some bad stuff!!! I want to begin trying to get all these things under control now. I just pray that when I go for all my testing, I will not have more chemo. I can't imagine how much your body can take.

Oh, I forgot to mention....THANK YOU for all the birthday wishes, kind words, cards, calls, etc. It made my day much brighter!

Older and Loving it!!

Love to all,

Leah